july 24, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'>....stop you unless you want me to" - James.

So. Last Wed. I drank. And then the Wed. before that. I didn't drink the 4th. Or at the last Synthetics show which I think. was the 15th. it was a Sunday.

I drank, as said, over the weekend. Then last night..........and probably a little bit tonight. And maybe tomorrow night but not at the bar. I have, apparently, a cup of vermouth left which I found out last night when pouring it into a cup thinking I had half a cup.left. So I put some of it back into the bottle. I alwaysusually mix it w/ cherry coke. Some drinks I can drink straight.........malibu, wine, SoCo, champagne...... [actually the first time I had SoCo was in eggnog]. Well, ok for technicality purposes, I probably could drink any drink straight I just. don't like to. A lot of people don't.

Um. You know, 6 wks on 6 off. And I was thinking about that recently. That whole 6 wks thing started when I was in the city. er. my most recent visit, that is. I don't drink around my family. I mean I have I've drank around my sister and that was only once. strawberry daquiri. it was good. I was in the city for bout a week. And since I wasn't constantly thinking about the drink - or my anorexia. or cutting. or PTSD - well. I just wasn'tdidn't. [I was, however, thinking about my schizophrenia. that made an appearance a few nights]. cause I had stuff to do. There was stuff to do. well ok to be fair there's stuff to do here [being CO]. But...........I've never been one of those 'tourists in my own city' types. [and that's actually not a bad idea]. You know, I'm just so used to it.

Ummmm.............so. I think it'll be 6 wks not drinking at the bar. Yeah probably........should've.......clarified that. It's about knowing your limits.  You know, if I can't/won't do anything other than that then. ok. so be it.

On Fri. we [James, Max, Jasmine & I] were all drinkin. takes 3 shots to get me drunk 5 to get me wasted. depending on the drink. And after 3 I told James I wanted more and he's like 'you're drunk I think you're good'. And that was his way of saying 'I'm sorry hun but I'm cutting you off'. Yeah w/ that I'll listen to him. I won't like it but I'll listen. [I also don't want to make a big thing of it in front of our friends. You know, if it's my place then that's different cause the only ones who are here are us. Although........we don't drink at my place. But that's another story]. And I was good Sat. in terms of shooting. Sure I'd had 6 - 8 [shots] but it wasn't like 'ok I'm drunk and emotional and you need to cut me off even though I don't want you too'. The only think that happened was that I got more anxious. In which case I was the one who was like ok shutit reel it in stop talking. since I apparently talk more when anxious. again, depending on whose company I'm in. Oh I also got a bit wasted and it's like 'ok......I really don't think I should have any more to drink'.

cause I don't want to subject them to my alcoholism. I really don't. but more on that later. E

James recently told me. well, 2 things. A: "I'm not going to stop you unless you want me to" and 2: "it's really not my place to". Ok he's doing the right thing he's letting me take control of the situation. If I somehow again fuk up [and also more on that later. E] then yeah that obviously sucks but I'm the one who made the decison to fuk up. I'm part of this too [well. obviously].

And ok to be honest. Yes ok there are certain times when I do..........but not to the point where I feel like he's taking over so much that we end up fighting about it. No bc if you do that then I'll only be distancing myself. And I don't want to do that. We've already fought so much over the past few months. We've somehow amazingly enough worked things out, yes. But we've also fought. No more or nor less than any other couple. You know, we're not perfect [in the words of my friend Marcus about he and his guy]. Believe it or not. and I think I've been pretty blatant about that here.

And you know what? He's right. He is absolutely right [James I mean not Marcus. about the whole 'it's-not-my-place-to-thing]. It's not his place. Just as it's not my place to 'make' him stop smoking. Cigs, that is. I've told him [wow this is turning into a long entry] I won't kiss him if he smokes. But that's also why I'm giving him Altoids. And he likes them anyway so there ya go.

I used to not mind the smoking thing. And then it became a trigger. Yeah but here's the thing. I have to decide how much of a trigger, from 1 - 10. And then go w/ that and be like 'ok well it's this much'. Like a 3 or a 6 or a 10 or. w/e it happens to be.

I'm an alcohlic. Sure maybe I'm not a raging alcoholic which would be worse sure maybe I'm not an alcoholic in the traditional and/or no in the obvious sense. but it's still alcoholism.

Oh. right. so onto my 2nd/original point. Which was, as stated in the title of this entry, 'here I go again into sobriety'.