aug. 14, 2012* in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'So Max has the same view on my rpe [wow that's a weird phrase. my rpe] as James does. Don't think too much about it............if it's upsetting.

No and ok I mean I get that. That's, actually why I don't think/talk too much about what happened when I was little. Again..........I don't remember it simply bc I don't want to. bc, well. it's upsetting.

But I mean. fuk. 2 yrs. isn't that long a time, really. well it is and it isn't. I have fukin PTSD. and it's coming closer and closer w/ every passing day. a week from this Friday.............my 25th.

I know they're trying to help but.........that. doesn't really help, to be honest. Just bc I understand the reasoning doesn't mean I'm going to like it or agree w/ it.

And the other part of it is. I appreciate their help I really do. The other side of that is that, as I realised the other day. this is something I have to deal w/ myself. That's not saying don't help. I've been through this before [and now, unfortunately am going through it again]. they haven't. been through it, i mean. and that makes it really hard.

Ya know what happens to people who don't tell? someone. even just a friend or, i don't know, a dog. what, dogs are loyal. as are other animals. yeah we die. when I was 17 I spent an entire yr that way. and I don't want to be like that again. took me 2 yrs to tell someone this time. Last yr I was only starting to realise it. still am.

But last yr I had other stuff going on so i couldn't.really. focus on this. the r*pe. And now I can.

My friend Mark was the first person I told, actually. back in Oct. and then Lindsey.......one of the managers at the bar.........few people downtown. um. 1/2 of the lesbians........James, 2 of his siblings. the gay people. and now Max, Jasmine, Katrina, Lindsay [Katrina's friend Lindsay. the girl I met the other night].er........the other one. oh, the other James. that's really my only point there.