aug. 14, 2012* in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'um. TW for abuse i mean. Be Careful Reading.

Please Be Kind. & Supportive. No Advice.

Ok, so.  On Sat. night/Sun. morning after all that crap went down, James & I went to bed. And. I. unfortunately got really, idk. angry. On Sunday morning I woke up just stunned. and foggy. I couldn't get past the stunned feeling that day.

Um but anyway.

This is really hard for me to admit.............   when I get angry I won't tell you what's wrong. I won't yell. I'll hurt you. But usually, that's only happened w/ James and 2; it's not so much I want to hurt him as I just want someone to hurt. I'm very destructive [which is interesting/ironic if you were to meet me. everyone's like 'awww you're so sweet and small'. yeah well]. always have been.

So yeah I've hurt him. i'm not proud of it oh god no. And I'm really trying to not do that. I'm workin on it. It takes a lot to make me angry but I'm angry about a lot. I can make you feel wonderful but I can also destroy you. not............to the extent of some people out there. but yeah. i got sharp nails.

But this time. I wasn't even sure how to process what just happened or to find words for it. So I started.um. destroying. He got angry. weird thing was I wasn't scared. No actually to be perfectly honest I was morbidly curious to see what would happen. And so he's like "stop. listen you vindictive little bi*". He's never done that. But I can't say it's his fault bc that's the thing. It's not it's mine. I was the one who did that. No I know.

And so eventually if I recall correctly, I went out into the living room. so I wouldn't do that anymore. There comes a point [as anyone whose ever cut/drank/other knows], where you run out of resources. You run out of.um. running, as it were. And that's what really hurts. and sucks too. I mean yeah addictions are pain oh fuk yeah but they're also. a lesser pain [as I just learnt from reading the latest Jodi Piccoult..........uh.................oh, Perfect Match. i don't read them in order] in a weird way. But, running out of those sort of resources are also good, in a way.

i'm sorry.

that was hard to put.

as put.</p<>