aug. 24, 2012* in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'.....absolutely sucky.

So this is actually about. um. Wed. night.

So last week at the bar I met this guy Kevin [as I found out this week and B: he was the guy I had a 10 min. convo w/ about music]. Um.........and he's there Wed. we talk. well, mainly, I do most of the talking. Turns out he's a good listener. he's very sweet.

And therein lies the problem.

We flirt a bit which I keep to a minimum cause I don't want to lead him on too much.And he tells me he finds me absolutely adorable and that he's at the point where he's looking for someone to be w/. Well ok great. And if you're single and content that's, again, great too. I kindof figured he was w/ the way he latched onto me the whole time. He thinks I'm 'very sweet'.

I gather from him that the person he wants to be w/........thus far.......is, well. me. No and it's incredibly flattering. And that he wants to treat a woman the way a guy should. And that means a lot. Esp. as a 'r*pe victim', as they say.

So near the end of the night I take him outside - we sit on the low wall right by the rosebushes. honestly, w/ the news being given to him by me.........I couldn't've picked a more romantic spot. But that's not my thought process. My thought process there.was.that it's quiet. and it's a nice area - and I tell him, basically, that it's really hard for me to say...........I want to be friends but that's it. I realise that w/ the flirting and talking and touching [well he touched me] we both got caught up in the moment. I'd mentioned my boyfriend several times. Mainly telling stories about him but also. yeah I'm taken. I can't be w/ anyone else and really, long term, I don't want to. I really don't. [which proves I still want my man]. I reminded Kevin he had my number so .........  if he wants to call that's. er, his call.

But, in a weird way I'd rather have let him know then leave him there confused and waiting and wondering. I've been in that situation. That in fact is why I broke up w/ my ex via email. telling him things won't work out. [well the guy basically, after he fuked me, wanted nothing more to do w/ me, so].

I knew it was gonna break Kevin's heart. If he was