sept. 30, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'It's 5 a.m. here and I can't sleep. he's asleep. No I'm wide awake, actually. my sleeping schedule's been weird recently. got somethin on my mind.

Um. Whenever someone else makes a mistake I'm all 'oh it's ok. i get why you feel that way but it's ok'. And yet w/ me. I can'tdon't. I'm scared to let go I really am. Scared of what's on the other side. I have been for yrs.

I'm constantly apologising. it's not a great habit i'll be honest. It's like, I can't let myself be imperfect. Be sick or depressed or have a bad day. It's always 'i'm sick and i'm sorry'. when I know perfectly logically well it's not my fault. I guess as a woman I have to hold everyone else up. And the thing there is that there isn't anyone who constantly needs people, that I know of, the way I do.

Ya know, but sometimes you can't be that person. And lately I haven't been. I want to be though. And I think that's good bc that way I'm not ignoring everyone. it's not like 'no i don't want to help you and i won't go away'.

Even if I've 'forgiven'  - by which i mean Dr. Phil's definition, of, 'no this won't control me anymore' - others it's. a lot harder for me. And besides the very basic fact that it's internal why else is it so damn hard?

I've missed out on so much life. it's really sad. and now for the first time in 3 yrs i'm starting to get it back. W/ the pot and the friends and the amazing boyfriend. I've been so angry and corseted and rightfully so. And thought I had to grow up had to have it all together by now. And yeah honestly a lot of it had to do w/ the rpe. 2 yrs ago.

I've raised awareness. that's done. well, rather the 'having to' part is. it doesn't mean I won't tell people it just means I don't feel I have to. I didn't have to be the only one doing it. But I didn't see anyone else doing that, so. Raising awareness is hard. Like ok it's great don't get me wrong. But also..........i was frekin rped. can't someone else take over for now? And just please let me hurt. Let me talk about it and cry about it and actually want and get to be taken care of. Yeah turns out. Rpe hurts. a lot. a whole helluva lot. The details of that rpe are scary enough. and thinking about what could've been. yeah i'm angry. I started drinking heavily bc of that. something I never did before. PTSD is horrible. it really is. it damn near ruins relationships. You know I act like it's just run of the mill like my depression. Like oh right it's that again. I've been angry I've been hurt I've been pained both emotionally and physically. I've fuked people over. I have been through hell. I have been through absolute hell. my god.

But that's not the point of this entry, to list all my shortcomings.

Ya know, I wouldn't say that I'm happier. I'd say I'm different. Pot'll do that to you. No and I love it I do. I'm just.......having 2nd thoughts. I know he'll listen if I bring this up. Ya know maybe for once I should sit back, toke up and let things happen. Yes and I have been. But is that enjoing life or is that ignoring the past? And that's where my dilemna lies.

But, unlike booze, for instance, the only thing I don't like about pot is the legality of it. I have never once been bitchy while high. Drunk, yes. I'm not proud of it but who is.

er what was my point?

oh. right.

Idinno I mistakenly thought that by 25 i'd have it all figured out. I'd know more about who I was at any rate. I just want to know I'm not alone here. and I guess I feel like there's something I'm missing. Like people know how to figure it all out, others who are 25, and I don't. I've been hurt and that's holding me back. And yeah in a weird way that's good bc this past yr - I mean since.like. March - has been about working on me. I've never done that before. I've never gone and sat down and written about w/e.

Isn't there a common story about college students taking a yr off to 'find themselves' or however it's correctly phrased? there has to be. right? There has to be something on the other side of all this hell. this green hell. much bigger than hope and optimism. and that's coming from me.

But fuk man. I was rped! do you know what that does to a person? so yeah i'd need time. time to re-evaulate everything. If someone didn't then I'd be a bit worried about them.

I'm not quite sure how to describe the correlation between rpe and feeling like I'm growing up faster than I should've. but i know it's there. See I feel like I have to be more. and that's not always such a bad thing. there's always room for improvement. I'm like the characters in St. Elmo's Fire. stop thinking like you're 30. [and actually on that note turning 30 terrifies me].

Back about 3 yrs I was the girl who had it all. I was confident. all I Am Woman. not so scared. or damn hypervigilant. and then it all came crashing down.

And I'm back here again. just when i thought i wasn't. just when i thought i'd be less depressed. I guess I still think that by the time you're 25 there's a certain point of time when your depression ends permanently. and the relapses do. it's frustrating cause I feel like I work so damn hard [or maybe i don't at all. in here i do though. i'd like to think. via blogging] to get to where i'm at at any given moment in time. I've worked so damn hard to try to be the woman I was 3 yrs ago. and then it just. fukin. hit me.

I can't accept this. not well, anyway.

But the interesting thing here is that. w/ my dancing or my singing