oct. 10, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'>.......fukin angry.

Ok um wow. So this past weekend - by which I mean Sun. - this a.m. - could've been better. it wasn't great I'll be honest. Last night was good. and. there were some good moments. I won't say there weren't. there was a lot of crying involved on my end. and sleeping. and being baked.

So, the boyfriend and I were talking about the sex abuse. And I told him why I kept getting angry w/ him, since he asked. Yes part of that is that I'm actually angry w/ him at times. But a big part of it is the sex abuse. And he said something along the lines of 'well don't be angry about it' or that I shouldn't be or something. And I can't take it out on them, the 2 guys who r*ped me, bc they're not around. And frankly, seeing them again terrifies me. Should I take it out on him? No I'm not stupid I know that. I know I shouldn't.

I was this angry the first time it happened. But other than myself I didn't have anyone to take it out on! I wasn't an alcoholic the first time either for that matter. But things change. People change.

My god. don't I have a right to be? I was hurt. and eventually over the yrs the anger will fade. But that won't be now or tomorrow or next wk. It took 5 yrs - this was, of course, after I fully registered what'd happened back when I was 19 - for me to get past it. Don't you ever tell me how to handle it.

I wasn't going to play the 'well it didn't happen to you so you can't voice your opinion' card. again. I have before and when I did he was like 'no don't say that'. But I'm the victim here. i'm sorry but I am. I don't like pinning myself as such which is why I try not to. No I really do. Here's a a better way to put it: he didn't experience it. I did.

So now I'm just. in shock. and legimately fukin angry.