oct. 13, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'Um. I don't know. I'm starting to go through stuff again. well i was starting to last week. And I don't want to talk about it. no well i do but only if the person doesn't say anythihg when I talk.

sry, tired.

But then I want them to cause I want them to validate me. I really hate to be the person who's like no you can't have your say. no. just bc i won't listen [and don't want to which explains partially why i'm terrible at it] doesn't mean i have to silence them. bc that's exactly what happened to me. It makes sense why  I'd want to though. doesn't make it right. no and i know that but it's not always my first thought. i go by passion. mostly. Ya know. my friend Matt was right. no it's not right.

You know i want people to actually physically fukin verbalise that it makes sense for me to be angry w/ him for what he said. For the last few yrs I've been the only validating me. I am so tired of that. and of waiting for it to happen. But i feel like if i don't point it out. it literally won't happen at all.

Maybe. things don't happen right when you want them to. well no. and we all know i'm not the greatest w/ patience. obviously.

I'm starting to feel like/get the feeling i'm not allowed to have an opinion on any of this. or anything else really. and as usual i'm blowing the last part out of the water. no. i won't do that and i don't want to. i don't want to be silenced. right and others do? it's not about me anymore. but you know addicts we think it's all about us. in the words of nikki sixx. i spent so much time being silenced and i don't want to be. ya know, back last yr when i started recovery it was. i will not be quiet. and i wasn't. not musically anyway. and all that came w/ it.

sry. i'm a bit knackered and prolly slightly sleep deprived, so. that's why this is vague and doesn't make much.um. sense.