oct. 13, 2012. in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'and inadaquecy.

Yeah that's how much I weigh apparently according to my boyfriend. Um. wow.

No and that's not even like. 'fat. and neither am I. No bc I'm still tiny damnit. I don't even want them to tell me my weight when I'm at the dr's so. if I don't want my dr to tell me my weight [which. evidently is common for women] then I sure as hell don't want my boyfriend.

I know I've, for the most part, recovered from my anorexia. but. unless it's to tell me something good don't discuss my weight. It was never. a numbers game and still isn't. and maybe I'll never want it to be. It's a bigger thing for women then it is men.

well this completely changes my perception. well fuk. No cause see up untill now I always figured my weight was "somewhere" in the lower triple digits. And, up untill now I apparently misakenly thought I could literally physically never gain/lose more than 3 lbs. See this is exactly why I didn't eat meat for so long. cause I knew this would happen. it's not cause i didn't want it. no bc i did.

I don't want to know my weight. If you think I look good then ok that's one thing. and please tell me that. In fact I wish more people [by which I mean at the bar] would tell me that.

Yes this bothers me. Clearly. And ok so it'd bother me if anyone were to tell me that but bc it's him it's all the moreso. more so? idk. no the former sounds better. um but anyway.

See I don't ask women their weight/tell them how much I think they weight bc, as i've just gone over, I know how much that bothers me. I'll tell them they're hot/cute/pretty and/or that they look good but that's it.

Sure back when I thought - and you know upon thinking about it maybe i've been wrong all this time about that - I was in the lower triple digits, I wasn't. obviously exactly happy w/ that but I knew it I was comfortable w/ that. and now.............well. i'm not.

Ok so Part 2. Inadaquecy.

So last weekend Max complimented Jasmine. and before I go farther I'm going to state. That I'm all for people complimenting other.um. people. In fact I will, pretty blatantly, at the bar, go up to guys/women and compliment them. we could use more of that.

But here's the thing I don't/didn't like about that: he did it when I was in the room. Yeah and that makes me feel inadequate. Bc I have enough trouble as it is w/ my own body image. Now working on it, yes. absolutely. But there's the other side of that where at the same time. I'm not there yet. I've not told him this for 2 reasons. 1: that's between them not between Max and I. you know, that's something he said to her in my presence. not something he said to me that I didn't like. and B: I'm a v. private person and being that way I wouldn't've anyway. so.

You don't have to know someone's issues to be careful w/ them. But apparently not everyone practices that. that was slightly off-point.

I'm not going to say Jasmine's not hot. bc she is. dark hair light skin dark eyes long hair..........yeah. i know. bigger tits than mine. I mean she's not fat but she's also. you know, not like me. tiny. But cmon have at least a little class.

See ok. When I'm at the bar and I see a hot chick and she's w/ her friend I don't want to compliment the first girl and then not her friend. bc I'd surmise her friend would feel inadequate. So I mean the friend is at least cute. W/ guys I don't do that, if they're w/ a girl. friends, lovers, siblings, relatives. um. other.

I'm not going to do anything about this. well ok that's not entirely true. I mean........  I'm not going to talk to Max about this. and i've already gone over why/why not. it's just going to keep bothering me. But that's, you know. my decision which i've already made.