nov. 10, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'Ok so I'm now more able to think clearly.

Um yeah so the other morning I was obliterated as hell. I destroyed my living room, kitchen, bathroom, a bit of the hall. Meaning I took stuff off the tables and out of my med cabinet and linen closet and threw them on the floor. well ok in the living room I took stuff off one of my tables and threw it. And my sofa cushions.

Kitchen, 3 pasta thingys.

Bathroom, I took my eye shadows out of my med cabinet and threw them in the sink. And my Aleve went on the floor. container of Vaseline, sink.

As for my hall. I took stuff out of my linen closet and it went on the floor.

And it's just. That's not ever something I do. like ever. Sure I've collapsed a few times within the past yr cause things were too much. But I don't throw things. [no instead I destroy myself or my boyfriend]. The last time I did I was in elementary school. It's a bit embarassing. It wasn't in front of him he was already sleepin in my room. It's not like it was out in front of everyone.

oh I also tore up some paper.

I mean. in a way, yes I think it needed to happen. yes i think it's needed to happen for a long time. When I was 17 I cut so much that yr. so much. I didn't fully understand that rpe the way I do now. I didn't talk to anyone about it untill 2 yrs later and even then I still didn't much.

I've always been a destructive person, as mentioned above. And when I got to high school I turned it inwards. The original reason I cut was curiosity. And that's not something I talk much about. I don't really think it's neccessary to go over why I started. and all that went w/ it meaning the whole business of why I left boarding school. and that's why people don't know. It's upsetting it makes me angry it's why I have trust issues. why I'm constantly paranoid. and all.that. of course having been rped didn't help my trust issues any. er, doesn't yeah that too.

No Advice

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