nov. 10, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'here's what's going on.and sleep thing/depression/ptsd/schizo/anorexia/alcoholism/be sad all day/afraid of not being taken care of/self sabotage/pushing people away pretty good handle/maybe my reputation's not that important.

I'm leaving some parts out bc I don't feel like going into stuff atm. So, E.

Um. so right I was triggered again the other day by my bed. of course, being that i was rped there. I usually am. triggered by it i mean. um.........umumum. But it's never been that bad. It's why I wanted to go into my living room to sleep on the sofa.

Um talking about sleep. *E

So, I've relapsed. By which I mean anorexia. I haven't eaten fruit in wks. The reason I've relapsed is bc of the whole Max-Jazmin-pinup thing. And honestly, I want my boyfriend to tell me that in front of them. that I'm hot. idk that it'll ever happen.

I've started drinking again. weekly. The past 2 wks. at the bar. white Russians. I was going to start this past wk but then last wk was Halloween and Mandi karaoke lady's bday was this wk. don't recall when. so the wk before Halloween I told her I was going to buy her a bday shot and she's like 'awesome. well next wk's the last one before my bday' which kinda screwed up my 6 wks off schedule. and it's nothing against her. so it's been 5 wks.

so yesterday wasn't that great of a day either. I wasn't feeling good bc of my period. And we were in the living room I was lying on the sofa he was on the um floor. I know I have a tendency to bitch and i guess that's what i was doing so he asked what was wrong and i told him and he's like 'so you're just going to be sad all day?'. well, yes yes i am. so you'll take care of me. not that he knows that. yeah.........awful, I know. I'm perfectly damn capable of taking care of myself and handling my own stuff. But if I have someone who's going to do that then yes i'm going to take full advantage of it. hell yes. and i've gone without it for so many yrs bc i wouldn't let my parents do that as it made me feel incompetent that. i'm afraid of having it taken away.