dec. 15, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'confused. and I don't understand what went on.

No Advice

About last night.

which didn't happen. Well ok it did we just didn't have our usual Friday. Bc he wasn't here. Yeah.......um. And I'm pretty damn sure - 70% - that the last time he was here he said he'd see me Fri. which. obviously was last night. Unless he told me another day which I can see. I mean I'm not exactly the greatest w/ remembering things. Or, remembering to remember.them. No Advice

Unless we agree upon a different plan beforehand it's always Fridays. We always have our Fridays. except as said when we haven't. which was, well. as said. You know and I'm ok w/ that. Like if he wants to spend more time w/ Max or they're going to see Max's mom.or.something. I have my guesses as to what happened. He - James i mean. not Max - forgot or........he was drunk/high or.......the weather. or........he was sick. or he suddenly got a new job and couldn't tell me and it's different hrs. from his last job the hrs. of which. were. 1 - 11 p.m., depending.

See he doesn't have a working phone. Or the internet. So though I phoned Max and Jazmine this morning I've not heard back. And when I phoned Jazmine [at least I'm pretty sure it's her #. I have both their #s for the same contact] it said something about how the service had been disconnected. or however it's termed. Um. He - again, James - has between 10 and midnight30 to get to my place. And I even gave him till 1 a.m. this morning. [er. well obviously 'a.m.' is the same as 'this morning']. Not.......that I had anywheres to go at that point as I didn't.

So then I emailed him. And FBed him. I've both considered and entertained the idea of phoning again but I think that'll only make me more anxious. He's as I've mentioned up in Arvada which is a 30 min. drive away. 1: I don't drive, B: don't have their address and 3: don't have money for a cab that goes that far, so. Those are the only other things I can do along w/ what I've already done.

So now I'm waiting. it's 20 past 5 p.m. atm.

So we'll see.

Part 2. of all this.

And it's not just that he didn't come. oh no. [well but then knowing me it never is]. It's that i got myself all prettyful and lovely and good smelling [vanilla if anyone cares to know]. And I had the stuff typed up to go over w/ him. And his Xmas gift wrapped [which I wrapped the 'wrong' way but, again.more on that later]. And a bowl [pot] already loaded [well. actually that's bc I'm having trouble w/ lighters. and more on that later as well]. So I mean it's a lot of stuff. Clearly.

But, ya know. If he's not here I can't take my anger out on him so there's that.

Part 3. of all. this.

Don't ever disappoint me. I understand that it'll happen, A and 2, that that's a lot to ask. No I get that. It doesn't sit well w/ me. Well but I mean it doesn't sit well w/ anyone, so. Not big disappointments like this one. That turns into me thinking it's something I've done even though I've clearly 'logicalised' er..........wait no wrong word. er.um. I mean/t rationalised it. yeah but since when do I ever go by logic. that's a rhetorical question btw. well I don't. And it also. makes me feel like I don't matter. and yeah that hurts. And it's obviously not good. And that's why I try not to disappoint people.

And now onto Part 4.

So this morning when he didn't show I went out and looked for him. There's a small white car right by my place that looks like my boyfriend's car and I wasn't sure if it was his or not [i've memorised his license plate #. i've also memorised my dad's which is interesting as I don't like him. my dad i mean. ok and that's the end of that one]. yeah and it wasn't. I don't know some cars look alike!

And by 'looked for him' I mean all I did was went outside my building. condo.thingy. so it's not like I live in a high-rise or anything as I don't. To see, as said, if it was his car. which it wasn't. as also.said. And then came back inside. I was outside for less than 5 mins. well and it was fairly cold out so bc of that I wanted to come back in.

And then I watched tv. figured well I might as well make the best of it. that and 2, it's something to do to occupy myself and C, it's what I do anyway. and then smoked and went to sleep.

So [yes there's more] this afternoon I was woken up between 1 and 2 by someone knocking on my door and ringing my doorbell. it's like well maye that's him. But he wouldn't just stand there I mean he has a key. that, and he's never knocked. [however, it was someone I know who was causing this ruckus, my neighbor. nice lady]. I'd just woken up, A 2: didn't feel good and C: wasn't prepared to answer the door, so. If my neighbor asks I'll tell her something like the first 2.

And yeah. So all that happened.

Again. No Advice.