365 Days in Life In The Now.

In a little less than 7 hours, it is officially 365 days since my mother's passing. People told me that the year of firsts was always going to be the hardest. I was hit with her birthday and Christmas so close after it all happened and by that stage I hadn't even really come to terms with coming home to an empty house everyday nor had I taken in just how empty and silent that place was without her.

It amazes me how people quantify loss in terms of time and somehow think that after the first year it will all suddenly be okay, as though I'll take a deep breath and now it's all okay. Phew, thank God. I can get on now eh. I'd quantify this as mindless stupidity but really so many of you didn't know what to say to me so this was the standard grasp at something to make me feel better in the moment. I appreciated it so I didn't correct you but now we're here, 365 days later. Should I feel better now?

I don't feel any better...

I haven't even dealt with anything from a year ago in truth, so it's all still raw and whenever I close my eyes now, my thoughts are filled with the events from back then in total surround sound and high definition detail. The kind of screening you'd expect to see from professionals who are paid to invoke these emotions from deep within the hardest of souls, but this is real life and it's so much more effective when it hits you in reality, you can't fake those tears on direction.

I don't know how I'm meant to react to this being the big 'one year' nothing has changed and I don't have any peace from it, there is still a long ways to go, it just means I've been without someone I cared for deeply for a year and it has been hard not being able to turn round and talk to her about things or randomly ask advice at the times I needed to the most.

A lot has passed through my mind this past year. I wasn't even sure where I'd be at this point. I suppose in some aspects I've done well. I got to go back to my BT family thanks to Phil. I moved out of my old home and I've still more planned for 2014 to make it more of a year for me but my birthday and this day, today are just stumbling blocks that could never be avoided really.

My birthday sucked lol, as expected it would do but thankfully I was out of the country for it, so it made no odds; it was something different but it was hardly the same. I needed that change but it sucked none the less. Today was always going to be a difficult day. I knew this 12 months ago even though deep down to me this is a non event, it's 12 months but it is no different from day 1 when you're not here.

Grief if a truly crap thing, when you think you're doing well it will drag you down with guilt because you can't be a part of that happiness or success even though I know you would be happy and proud of me this year, probably annoyed at me for a couple of things too but the point was you were the one there to do that, no one else can replace or take that role from you.

I wish I had something profound to say to everyone, something that they could take away and dwell on but the truth is I don't. I have nothing because the truth is that for the last year every time I have closed my eyes I've felt the call to go back into the dark, to live and dwell there, it's easier, more peaceful all alone with your thoughts but out here even without you at least I get to experience what it is to live and move forward for myself.

It's so easy to want to go and hide under the nearest over shadowing object but if you truly want to be happy then you need to break the shackle that ties you to your past. I'll never forget what my mother gave me, what she taught me and there won't be a day that goes by I won't miss her, but she wouldn't expect nor want me to live in the past because she was all about living life and experiencing it first hand when she had those opportunities. I'll take that as a lesson learned from her being with us.

From her leaving us I take that she would say that life is too short to feel anything other than happy the majority of the time, the rest can fuck off. (you all know she swore when appropriate so don't start)

The death of someone close to you doesn't necessarily mean the end of everything, in some cases it will shape you to be the person you were always meant to be. In the last twelve months, my closest friends and anyone who knew me prior to this and has been paying attention will notice I've changed.

Whilst also vanishing my mother gave me the gift of life and in the last year I've come to realise what is and isn't important when it is all put into perspective. I'll now be aiming to live life in a way that is best for me, in a way that makes me happy and if that doesn't suit everybody, that's okay too :)

Regards, G