dec. 21, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'Um so I still haven't heard from him. I emailed him earlier telling him that if he doesn't get back to me by the 23rd I'll email my mom and tell her we're not going to my relatives' holiday dinner. I Fbed him and asked him to get at me when he can.

If you don't have time to be w/ someone, then. ya know, don't. be w/ them that is. And last I knew he was still out of work and I'm goint by that untill I hear differently. So thing is he does have time. It's the finances that are the issue.I'm.guessing. I don't feel like he's making much of an effort since from my end he's not. I haven't heard from him. he's not  even going to phone it in.wow.........just.wow. See if he was trying but kept failing then at least I could go 'well ya know you're trying'. but no. I have my guess but that's really all they are. is/are guesses. and they can only do so much. and so can I. I feel so.helpless.

How can you be bothered by something that never happens? Well that's exactly how is precisely because it never happens! which it's. you know, currently not.happening. See this it just like the thing w/ my dad and I. He wasn't there and that really got to me. Still does, in fact. And once again I've chosen a guy just like my dad. but not in the good way no not this time.

Sure if James needed [more] time to look for a job that would be one thing. that would be something that I'd actually accept. But I don't know bc he hasn't told me. And untill he does I'm going to go by my guesses. bc so far that's all I have right now.

Far as I know from his end we're still together. And yeah honestly a part of me wants to go 'ok fukit' bc I don't want to be w/ someone who currently doesn't have time for me. I deserve so much better. but he's also put me through so much worse, so. Ya know he's not physically hurting me or anything. No but see that's just it is he's not doing anything! And once again he's not giving me what I want or need. I've had my space. I've had 2 weeks of fukin space. I'm ready to see him again.

It hurts that it feels like he doesn't have time for me. it really does. he owes me an explanation and an apology. w/e it is.

Ya know, if A: we weren't in love and 2: we'd only been together a few months then I would've already broken it off. But we're not. we're in love and B: we've been together a yr and 2 wks. And then after we surpass our 1 yr he suddenly.like. disappears. So now I'm confused. and hurt. and upset. and worried. and what the fukin hell.

He's not being fair to me.

Ya know, I'm starting to feel like I'm putting more into this than he is. See this was one of my problems w/ Lindsey. [my 'ex' or w/e she was. not the one from the bar]. Bc again from my end I am. And it's not like I can talk to him about this since I'm currently not seeing him and I don't know when I will.