Playing with Fire - 07.10.13 in Your Face

So I sent M and email today, and at the end put a note that I was cranky with him for pulling a bullshit disappearing act and how I would have assumed he was dead but for the fact that he was collecting the money I send (I get text alerts).

It's playing with fire because it's highly likely to spark his temper. At the same time, his actions are causing me grief and I am actually pretty pissed off about it, ya know?

I had a meltdown last night after I stupidly gambled and lost $75 that I really needed. I KNOW. I'm so dumb. But, I think I had a breakthrough. I am punishing myself by quitting smoking now instead of right before I leave for the US. This forces me to control my cash flow better, as I always carried extra money in case I needed cigarettes and that money would get spent. I am enforcing a small cash allowance each day, leaving all cards at home. I am allowing $20 per day to buy one meal, groceries for the other two meals and incidentals. That's actually pretty good, I just need to test it out because if the amount turns out to be too low I will be tempted to access more money.

I am excited to work on my jogging again after a few days off cigarettes. I am hopeful of seeing improvement in my endurance, but I guess I will have to wait and see.

I suppose I feel frustrated and sad at my situation, which is why I act out, but it only makes me feel worse. It's time to grow up, deal with it, stop making excuses. Only I can do it. I need to step up.

I hope I can do this. It feels like make or break time. It's obvious that M is the calming factor in my life and that he keeps me closer to the straight and narrow.

Oh, in my email to him I also said that we're meant to be a team, working on this together.

I am going to try and relax. Go back to one day at a time instead of looking into an empty future. So tomorrow I will focus on feeding myself on my last $5, on getting through the work day without a cigarette, and mentally preparing for my exams. Sounds busy! Perhaps I will take my 1 hour walk. I know the right thing to do would be to ask mother to go - am I ready for that? I have been making more effort with her lately. I will give it thought, at least.