We can all point fingers (msg from mum) in Days of My Destiny

It's after midnight and I get a text from mum.

It's a screen shot of a conversation between her and her sister. The topic is something along the lines of how strict mum is with raising children and then her sister says something to the effect of, "I know that you daughters question the fact that you were so strict... it's a running theme in their lives." (What would she know, I wonder.) (I absolutely love my family's assumptions about us.) (Of course they're right, because they've been by our side our whole lives and everything.....) (sarcasm)

So mum has sent this and asks - no, DEMANDS: "I want to know if this is true and at which point you may have mentioned it and to whom, and why you don't mention it to me. I gave you an opportunity 3 years ago to write to me by email and put all the cards on the table and none of you dared, and I wanted you to get everything off your chest even if it hurt me. It was a way to close chapters of hurt and to be able to move forward and progress [something along these lines]."

I am incredulous. At a few things. Firstly, my heart is beating fast and hard, I can almost hear it. Why? Nothing more than my inner child reacting. It's the exact feeling I'd get when she'd come at us in a rage, demanding to know who did this or that (some minor thing) and we knew that we were all going to get belt lashings for it, because none of us were going to own up (because half the time, probably none of us actually did the thing she was raging about...). Some further points:

1 - My answer lies in her very message. The way she's written this message. I KNOW mum and I know that she's coming from a point of hurt (and that's fair enough) but the fact that she's reminding me about the "chance" she gave me THREE YEARS AGO to put all cards on the table.......... isn't that a sign of a poor relationship right there? To me, a great mother-daughter relationship is one where open communication is a CONSTANT. Not the exception.

2 - I know mum has been at my little brother lately (more on that later) and I just get the feeling that mum NEEDS to just fight with someone right now. Note her accusatory tone ("none of you dared") - and the way she's simply DEMANDING this information rather than asking. She's approaching this with her sword and shield in her hands, rather than her heart on her hand.

3 - Her family, OH MY GOODNESS. They are all caguineros (drama queens), including herself. Can she not see that her own children are not like this? Therefore she probably has a better chance of avoiding getting hurt by actually IGNORING half the crap her family says?!?!

4 - Her family, again. Can they just not be drama queens? They turn every conversation around to suit their own opinions and gossip soon spreads like fire.

5 - I wouldn't even KNOW which conversation my aunty would be referring to. Over the years there have been TWO conversations with one particular uncle. One of those conversations was 5 years ago, the other was a month ago. I am SURE he shared whatever he gained from that conversation with my aunty. Now - ON THAT NOTE - when it comes to mum and our little nuclear family, this particular uncle comes into any conversation about it CLINGING to his views, rather than with a willingness to learn about us from our OWN point of view. Therefore, we generally need to be careful with what we say around him about any of us. However in the latest conversation (which I can't remember in its entirety anyway), he mentioned something about how mum was never the kind of person she eventually turned out to be in Australia. Particularly, she never victimised herself in Chile. This comment surprisingly made me burst into tears. I couldn't help it. I've had a lot of dramas with mum (haven't we all) - that SHE has always started - and I can't deny the fact that it's been difficult acting the parent while trying to solve the problems she creates. However, I've moved out and moved on eventually. I've dealt with - I'd say a good 95% of - all the crap I've had to sort through. But when he said that, I felt like DAMN, if she'd never moved across the globe, I would've been spared all that fucking drama. You know? My emotional outburst was simply a processing of new information and realisations. Sure it was evidence of the fact that yes, there is pain there (but doesn't everyone have pain somewhere about something), but it certainly was not evidence of this being a RUNNING THEME IN OUR LIVES. Please!!!!! What would you know???!?!?!? HOW ON EARTH are you qualified to even make such a statement, to go as far as to say "I KNOW it's a running theme..." In other words my question is, What The Fuck????

ANYHOW.................................................................................. so I don't know how I will reply.

A few options:

The imaginary one - Yeah well, you know how you always victimised yourself? Well, that kind of sucked. And I found out recently that you weren't always like that. And that sucked too. So I cried a bit. And now everyone thinks that we are all damaged every day of our lives.

The light hearted one - Ohhhhh MUM! Don't you worry about those naysayers!!! What would they know? Hardi ha ha ha!!!! They're ALWAYS imagining things and making up stories about our family!!! Don't you worry about THEM!!!!

The ditsy one - I have NO. IDEA. what this is even referring to. Who knows what she's basing this on? I've been to Chile 3 times over the course of, hmmm let me see.... 13 years, and had many many conversations with so many of my uncles and aunties. Who knows. Whatever it was, don't worry, we turned out fine. I love you.

The fighting one - Mum, please don't act like you don't ever talk about US to your family. Who on earth else are we to talk to about anything? We don't have family here, so....... [which is totally NOT why things even come up by the way lol. I'm just making shit up. Because I can.]

The crazy thing is.... it's almost 1am and we have visitors arriving at 9:30am tomorrow. I have to get up in about 6 hours to finish cleaning the damn bathroom and make the pancakes. I know it will take ages because one, I will be exhausted and therefore moving quite slowly, if not feeling somewhat hungover due to the sleeplessness of late; and two, because I have children and this naturally slows every process down. What I'm trying to say is... I don't even know at which point I will have time to squeeze in a reply, let alone think about how to best reply. I'm thinking I should even give her a call (at who knows what point) and just blame my uncle and say, you know what? He was talking about your relationship with dad and sharing his perspectives on who you were before and after you left Chile. And some of that made me cry, and so now he's probably made up some crazy stuff based on his own assumptions and there you go, now the whole family thinks they know everything there is to know about us.

That might even be the go. Who knows.

I just know that by me not replying as soon as possible, it will cause her more hurt (not my fault though, I don't choose her emotions for her, but I'm just saying this because I know her).

My mother is complicated. I have no idea where I get my cruisiness from.

And you know what? This evening I was telling the girls off big time for ignoring me, and then, because I was pissed off, I started telling them off about smaller things. For example we had dinner on the couch tonight (easy toast - something I never ever ever do but it's been a different week) and then both my girls started shuffling in their seats and so the toast fell off the plates and onto the couch I had vacuumed not long before. So I gave them a lecture on what to do when you want to move about while holding a plate of food in your hand. It wasn't even a nice lesson, it was just me being a cranky pants. And tonight, after getting this accusatory, demanding message from mum, it's like, you know what? Fuck being cranky pants! I want to be happy and let my children just BE. All the time. I know that I normally am, but you know... it's just circumstancial, me feeling like this. I reject the notion of me always being this Mother Up There, sitting high in my tall Mother Chair, looking down at my children and demanding things off them with a loud, booming voice, so loud that they cower and apologise before they've even had a chance to simply hear what I'm saying.

You know what I mean?

Messages between my youngest brother and I, last night.

Me: Hey matey, just saw your fb status. U ok? Just remember that taking long deep breaths helps. Love ya xx

(his status was something about how angry he was feeling and he wanted to punch a brick wall)

Him: YeahI feel much better now... I am calm

Me: Good to hear. Angry is a normal emotion but it still sux to feel that way hey.

Him: Yeah... I don't like it but some people get me so angry

Me: Mum and dad?? I've taken years to learn how to manage my own anger, it's not easy. Anyway we all feel angry sometimes.

Him: Yeah

Him again: It's mainly mum that wants to fight with me

Me: What on earth is there to fight about? You're the cruisiest guy (don't think that's a word but anyway) lol

Him: It's about me always breaking the house rules... when I don't, mum says she says that she makes me feel like I'm not a good enough son. I try my hardest to be like other siblings, but yeah

Me: You don't have to be like anyone but you.

Me again: You ARE good enough.

Me again: Don't let anyone ever tell you that you're not. Block it out, it will destroy you if you listen to it

Him: Yeah... thank you so much for your help

Me: Just remember to read and re-read that whenever you need to x

Him: I will..