yeah. i'm trying to replace Pat. in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

Pat, for those who don't know, [I know I've mentioned this before but it's not mentioned often, so], was my best friend who passed almost a yr. and a half ago.

I'll never have a friend like that. he was. the best person I've ever known. and one of the nicest......most compassionate. and the most beautiful.

I know, part of the 'i'll never have a friend like that' honestly is mindset. And yeah maybe part of it's realistic. I'll find friends. if, I want to. but not quite like him. Evan's the closest thing I got right now. and he's. he's a good guy he's as I've mentioned already my closest friend. but there's a different dynamic there. and so another reason i'm 'keeping him around' as it were is cause he's a lot like Pat. and it feels like Pat's still here. [which. makes it sound like i'm using him. well yeah a little. not entirely and not all the time. which isn't good for either of us. but right now i'd rather have him and 'use' him then not have him at all].

it's not about finding new people. and the other reason I don't want to is cause i'm really scared they'll all leave. and yes ok so i'm right some people will. maybe not like that but they will. no it's about wishing he was still here so that it wouldn't hurt as much.

i'm perfectly comfortable not making new friends right now. and who wouldn't want that. who wouldn't want comfort.

I don't want to accept that he's gone cause it means I really will have to move on. and I don't want to cause I don't think i'm ready to. and I might not ever be fully ready to. but at some point i'll be more ready to than I am right now. but I don't know when that'll come.

but if not now. then when? only time will tell, really.

yeah but the other part of that is. if Pat hadn't left. I wouldn't 'have' to move on. yes and that's exactly my point. is I wouldn't! cause nothing would've happened [well ok so I don't know that] that would've. presented that.

but to be honest. that's not always good for people. it's comfortable it's comfortable as hell. but well......like I said. not always good.