so. i'll never fully recover. a bit sad. in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

well which I knew before. 60% of anorexics don't.

I don't want to die. I have before. a month ago I wanted to. and that might change I don't know.

I'm not ready to go. I have been before.

And here's why I won't fully recover. well 2 reasons. A I don't want to go through the process of recovery again and again like I've been doing the past 5 yrs. i don't want to have to do the work. and honestly. 2: Most anorexics need help to recover. I've never gotten that. bc I won't let people in. even if I told like, Jessica she'd still tell my mom. and that's not happening. it's not that I don't think my mom won't be supportive or w/e. it's that I don't want her to be. I don't want her or my dad taking care of me. cause when they do it's annoying. it makes me feel incompetent.

If I was able tto do this myself and by myself. then I would've already. But I'm clearly not.

maybe. if my mom was the mom i'd wanted her to be all these yrs. if she hadn't been abusive or........if she'd been warm and sweet and physical. yeah maybe I would've turned out differently.

I was reading over a recent entry. an entry in which i'd stated that they're the ones who in a sense killed me. broke me. and yeah they contributed. but so the fuk did have I. my dad tries. he wants to have a relationship w/ me. I think. but i'm so damn scared of him fuking abusing me that. i'll do everything to distance myself. I know a lot of it's in my head but it stems from a v. real place.

when I wrote that entry I was like 'oh i'm not responsible for anything'. yeah but I am. not.......not the sex abuse [although I don't believe that. like I know it but I don't believe it] but the choices I've made since. like ok. so I started drinking in college. when I was 21. not heavily not different drinks. some wine every few months. but I think that's why. is bc yeah 10 yrs. ago this oct. I was raped. which and. er I didn't put those together until this yr.

and so. bc of my drinking. I've become an alcoholic. and most people don't know I am. I only want a select few involved none of which are my family. if I knew there was no way in hell Jessica would tell my mom about like. the sex abuse. or, my anorexia. or my alcoholism then yeah i'd tell her. but there isn't cause as my mentor she legally has to.

And so that's why I trust my friends more. but thing is other than Evan non of them know as much as he does. I don't talk to them nightly. he's my closest friend right now and has been for the past. yr or so.

yeah so anyway back to point. i'm either on my way out or i'm eating 2, 3 times a day. and the only 3rd option I can see is, to be honest, hospitalization. only cause I don't want to do the work not cause I deserve it. no there are people out there who actually really deserve that. people who have cancer. and I don't.

yeah it's a sad decision. I know that. but ya know. nothing's going to change it. not realistically anyway. nothing I want to do.