Society sucks. in Since OD is shutting down....

There's been a few things that have been pissing me off lately and a lot of it has to do with my job and the people I work with. For starters, there's these 2 girls I'm friends with that used to be friends but the past couple of months haven't spoke and I've done what I can to help them reconcile but now, I feel like they are more interested in being friends with each other than being friends with me. Which is fine except until they only get ahold of me when they need rides to work or because they're bored. Both of them texted me this morning and I didn't respond because I was sleeping but I just feel like they both only contact me when they need to instead of because they want to.

I'm just sick of feeling like I'm everyone's fill-in friend. I don't feel like I have any real friends at all, not like I ever have but sometimes it really gets to me. I honestly just want to cut off contact with everyone who makes me feel this way but then I know if I did that, it would be super awkward at work and it's already awkward enough since me and that one chick aren't friends anymore. She and I speak only when we have to and honestly, it's gone on long enough that it's no longer uncomfortable. I think we are both ok with it. I wish it would change but I know until I say something, it won't so it's going to stay where it's at.

Oh! I'm pretty sure my ex lost his job. There was a note by a computer at work for my boss to call him and I didn't put everything together until I drove by his work last night and realized I hadn't seen his truck there for a few days. I remember thinking about it on Sunday and just assumed maybe he took a vaca or something but I noticed again last night he wasn't there so I'm pretty sure he got fired. I really don't care other than there's no way I will be okay with us having the same boss. I got rid of his note and if I have to, I'll make sure my boss knows about his past as if he got a job with my boss, he would be working with teenage girls. I don't want to sound vindictive or anything like that but I'm finally okay with him not being around and everything so if I knew he was working somewhere and we had the same boss, I am too worried that it would put me in a serious depression. I don't care if anything good happens to him or if anything bad happens to him for that matter but I have to protect myself from crawling back into a deep depression again.

I have to work in about an hour an a half and then I'm off for 2 days and I couldn't be more stoked. I'm so fucking sick of being there and my next paycheck will probably be good sized but it will all go to my rent so I'm glad that I'm going to get a couple of days break. I'm also sick of sweating and dealing with fucking retards. There's this guy that wasn't there for a few days that came back last night and managed to piss me off to the point where I texted my GM. I of course didn't get a response because of course no one gives a fuck what goes on but at some point, I'm going to go off on this mother fucker. I'm tired of how rude he is and the shady shit he does. It's getting old.

All I know is I'm super tired and ready for a fucking break. I also have to go in tomorrow and try and get a med reordered since it apparently didn't get reordered like a month ago. I don't want to have to buy it over the counter so I'm really hoping I can stay in the program. It just seems like every time I turn around, I'm having to pay for more shit out of pocket because God for fucking bid I ever have any extra money. I also have made crap for tips all week. I'm grateful that I've at least made my car payment but if I don't make much tonight, I'm not going to be able to buy groceries this week and I'm getting really sick of not having much food. I either don't make enough to buy any or if I do buy food, it's the cheapest shit on the shelves.

It would be super nice to have some help once in a while, even if it was just a friend to come over and have lunch. I still have absolutely no support system whatsoever. I don't have anyone that I can say is a friend. I have people I talk to and even hang out with sometimes but I don't have anyone I can really consider a friend. Again, I need to start getting more into video games or shit I can do by myself. It's just hard because I don't have a lot of extra money so i don't really know what I can do. I've been buying Disney movies but I generally don't watch them unless my niece is here because she loves them. I'm also anxious to see what next cable bill is going to be because if it's still too high, I'm going to have to shut off the cable and just do netflix and internet. I'm just so sick of everything being so expensive! I don't make a lot of money but every time I turn around, I have more expenses or my expenses go up.

I'm just...tired. Tired of being alone. Tired of being tired. Tired of getting fucked in the ass by my job. Just...tired. I just don't know why shit has to be like this. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for what I have and everything but I'm just so tired of working my ass off and I'm still barely getting by. I'm glad I'll get some money for financial aid because it's going to help me pay my bills since I'm not going to be able to work as much since I'll have 4 classes this time instead of 3.

I am grateful that my life has gotten better in a lot of ways but when it comes to having people care about me, they still really don't unless it benefits them. I still don't feel very needed or wanted. I still feel pretty much invisible and unimportant. I don't know if it's me or if society just sucks but I hate this.

Then yesterday, I was getting gas before work and my parents happen to pull in right next to me so I visited with them for a second and ask my Dad what he was doing and he said, "trying to find gas money" after he pumps gas! Um ok, so apparently he was waiting for me to offer to pay for it or what?! I just don't get why they even bother trying that shit with me when I've told them I'm never giving them money again. I just really wish my Mom would get a fucking job and they can start being adults. My life is stressful enough without them asking for handouts. It's not my problem that they are broke and I refuse to make it my problem like I did before. They take advantage when people are too generous and I will never again allow them to take advantage again.

I just wish people could care about me as a human being instead of someone who helps them out. I wanna be remembered for more than being that person they ran to when they needed something. I just feel so detached from the rest of the world. I don't feel like anyone cares about me for the right reasons. In fact, I don't feel like I've ever meant that much to anyone. I know that I'm going to be alone no matter what I do and that's why there's no point in trying to have friends or finding a boyfriend. People will be around for a little bit and then dip out. I just need to do my own thing and just hope the right people will come around at the right time.

Time for work. Oh fucking joy. God has smiled on me.