Feet on the Ground in QUOTIDIEN

....and refusing to run!

In reviewing my 'me' over the past week, I realize that I don't recognize the crazy person i see. Like a teenager, flattery and gentle words from a sweet man spun me off into some sort of emotional whirlwind. I'm not certain how (in)sane I might have appeared on the outside, but the introspection terrifies me. Today, my feet are on the ground.

But in my defense, I haven't had to read a man - ANY man - in over 30 years. My experience in personal 'cues' is rusty, and if I haven't embarrassed him by chomping at the bit (again - not sure what showed), I certainly have embarrassed myself. I've effectively picked up where I left off back when I was 15 and I met the boy who would become my husband.

On Monday, Mr. B contacted my desk to let me know he'd been to his appointment - the precursor to his moving on to a new place of business. Quite sincerely, I told him that I would miss seeing his face at my desk. His response was paralyzing and breath-taking - so much so, that I couldn't give you a word-for-word repeat. Basically, it went something like this:

MJ, I have no intention of losing sight of you. I want to be there for you to bring you laughter, to comfort you, and to enjoy living.

That was one of the few times I've called him by his first name, and warned him that he was seriously playing with fire. He may not have known what impact his words would have...but let me tell you, it turned me on my head! Then I realized that it has been two weeks since the first talk of dates - and one week since he suggested taking me to a jazz bar where his brother's band plays, and promises of just how much fun I would have. Since I have loved jazz music for as long as I can remember, married to guy who was almost exclusively into rock and alternative music, the 'promise' of a return to the kind of culture I was teethed on was enthralling. As of yet, with his last day looming so close, no real invitation has been extended. C'mon, MJ - 'take it slow, but let's go already'?

So I began to examine everything from our first meeting - his first questions about dating. AND, I began micro-examining all that he has said and facial expressions...and then it struck me: I need to let him worry about those things. My job is to examine myself, my desires, and my direction. Like it or not, this is who I am right now - and if he is real about the idea of getting involved with a widow, his close friend's success with the same notwithstanding, , then he'll exercise patience.

I began to pay more mind to 'self'.

This is what I've come up with: * I am sending myself mixed messages, therefore the same must be true of what I'm putting out in the way of vibes. I can't want it slow, but want it all now. * I want a friend. What's more, I sense a gentleness in this man that I want/need in my life. * I just went through a considerable string of FIRSTS - first night in our bed...alone, first wedding anniversary alone, first Mother's Day without, first Father's Day without, first 4th of July (his fave) without... Boiling it all down - I'm ready for first time hanging out without answering to anyone, first innocent touch, first introduction as 'my friend', first head turn, first...well, you get the picture. * 'Don't lose yourself, MJ' * Do NOT look at his lips. Oh, God!

I'm taking my deep breaths, now, trying not to be swayed by the sweetness, ...at least not off of my feet. I want to see how I handle myself on this first 'ride'. Being in this place feels good. Solid. Much more familiar. If he wants to come along for the ride, that would be great. But - for now, this is MY trip.