Some people aren't even worth hating. in Since OD is shutting down....

Alright so the weekend wasn't too bad. I didn't get nearly as much sleep or time for me as I wanted but had a lot of fun. I spent Friday night with my ex John and his daughter and then spent the majority of my Saturday with my friend that's a customer where I work.

I had to close Sunday night and then I went to my ex's house. We got along and then the fight that ends all fights started. He says that whatever he did to me in the past "doesn't matter" and that his kid is more important than I am. I just can't get over the way he's treated me because I've never got closure and for him to say that it doesn't matter, is what makes me walk away and be glad I'm not with him anymore. I think it's bullshit how he has conditioned himself to not care about other people's feelings and how because it's "in the past" it doesn't matter but it's not really the past when every time we start talking again, it's the exact same thing again!

I first get over there and he heats me up some food and then starts in about me giving him my phone number even though I've told him plenty of times he's not getting in anymore because then I have no control over how much he contacts me. He's abused my phone number just too many times and I refuse to give it to him again. I don't see what the difference is between him messaging me on Facebook or texting but I'm just not giving him my phone number. Well, needless to say the night ended with me walking out of his house and him blocked on Facebook once more. I guess it's time for me to accept that I'm never going to get the apology I'm looking for and I have to leave him alone for the sake of my own sanity and happiness.

He just doesn't see how many chances I've given him and he's blown every single one. And for him to tell me what he's done to me doesn't matter, well that is it for me. I took months of his abuse and it "doesn't matter" so now for me to move on, I have to understand we can't even be friends. We've tried that enough times to know that it's never going to happen. Oh and for him to say how his kids are more important is just another reminder as to why I refuse to date someone with kids. I've always been less of a priority with someone who has baggage and that's another thing that makes me glad I'm single. I'm sorry, but I would like to be somewhat important to someone and if I'm not, then I don't care to surround myself with them. That's just the way it is.

Then, I wake up yesterday and had to run to the bathroom to throw up. I was massively sick all day and could barely fucking move. I spent much of the day laying on the couch with sprite. I texted my manager and asked if I could take the the day off but of course that was a no because there was no one to cover me. I just don't know how that can be acceptable. I was sick as fuck but still had to go to work. Thank God I was only there for 4 hours but it was just awful because it was so fucking hot outside and I just felt miserable.

I'm better today. Still pretty weak and have a headache but feel like I'm going to live. I barely ate anything all day yesterday and today I had some food and it tasted so good but I'm worried it's going to make me sick.

Not sure what else to write about other than I'm still pretty fucking tired and just wish I could stay home and sleep instead of going to work in a couple of hours. It pisses me off that there's no such thing as taking a sick day because there's no one to cover me?! Well what happens if I end up in the hospital or something?! Will I lose my job if I'm unable to make it? I work in such a fucking shit hole and it really starts to get on my fucking nerves.

I'm starting to believe that I'm better off fucking single. I just don't think I have the patience or tolerance level to deal with men or any of their bullshit. Men are just so fucking selfish and really don't care about anyone but themselves and I've had enough of that my whole life that I do believe I need to just be single. My ex is just always a reminder as to why I'm glad that not only is he a consistent part of my life, but no man really is.

My ex is just a worthless piece of shit. I don't know how he thinks he would be even close to what I'm looking for. For Christ's sake he doesn't work, doesn't drive and doesn't have any money. He lives in a trailor that's absolutely nasty because he doesn't clean and all of his clothes stink because he gets drunk and shits his fucking pants! All of his furniture is broken and his house is so fucking gross that it makes me sick. I think why he told me his kid was more important is because he doesn't like how i work all the time and I don't have the time or energy to be in a relationship and he's a very vindictive person so to get back at me, he had to start being mean and tell me how the past doesn't matter and what not. Well it does matter because it's the exact same shit every single fucking time we hang out!

Ugh, I still feel shitty. My head hurts and my stomach is jumping around. I'm just glad it's not as hot out today. I still feel pretty weak but I'm hoping to get off early enough tonight and get some ibuprofen.

I realize that I can't just blame my ex for things. I know that every time I let him back into my life, it's never a good thing but I just miss feeling loved and wanted. I just had to touch that part of my life again. I know that I never want to be with him again or feel like I love him but it makes me feel better about things to know that there's a man out there that does love me. It makes my loneliness stop. I wish he wasn't such a mess because then at least we could be friends but I know he's never going to change. He's a bi-polar alcoholic that does nothing but shit on everyone and at the end of the day, he wants me to be alone. He even admitted to me that he would chase me away so that he could drink. He's 46 and has proven he's never going to change the way he is. I understand that you can't change people all you can do is love them but there's no such thing as loving someone who doesn't love themselves.

As time goes on, I am getting more and more comfortable just doing my own thing. I know it would be super nice to have someone to go to bed with and all that but I do believe that right guy will come along at the right time. Chasing ex boyfriend is all fun and games until the past comes up and it does every single time. I just wish that things could be different but every time I let John back in my life, I realize more and more how much better off I am without him around and that I'm doing just fine. I don't need a man. I would like to have one but I don't NEED one. I have been doing my own thing for so long that I just can't picture myself being tied down right now anyways.

I gotta leave here soon cuz I have to pick up a co-worker on my way. I'm hoping tonight will be better. I feel a lot better than I did yesterday but still feel kinda weak and have a headache. I haven't gotten to do my shopping so I'm out of stuff but I'm hoping to go tonight or tomorrow. Probably tomorrow since I have to get my prescription too.

More later.