Can't Do Anything in The Past

That’s how I feel right now, I just, can’t do anything right. My aunt is driving me nuts. Totally nuts. It seems that everything I do, anything I am, she goes “Eww” and “Ugh” and the like. For example, I have two cartridge piercings in my left ear and I was trying to pop in a hoop that I just bought and she looked at me, screwed up her face, and proceeded to tell me how gross it was and how she couldn’t do that and blah blah blah. -shakes her head- I’m afraid to talk about things with my mom when my aunt’s around, and I’m never afraid to talk about things.

Depression’s been hitting me hard lately… ever since Lakefair started, in all honesty. The fact that nothing really sold really hit me hard. Really hard. Enough that I was really ready to walk away from everything on Thursday. I was seriously ready to get up and walk off. The only two reasons why I didn’t were because I was in charge of a friend’s kid and couldn’t ditch the kiddo and the fact that I didn’t have my wallet so I didn’t have any ID, or money to go anywhere.

I actually gave into self mutilation Thursday night, and then after Mom found out, I spent the next two nights sleeping downstairs with her, because I couldn’t trust myself upstairs. I didn’t tell Mom that the reason why I slept downstairs in the chair instead of upstairs in my room is that I didn’t trust myself, but I think Mom knew.

I love my aunt, I really do, but spending 50 hours with her in a 10x10 tent was way too much. She’s just… I don’t know, it’s just obvious that she’s not from around here, but that she’s from the South. Just some of the comments she made. I asked my mom if I should make a dragon with rainbow scales and my aunt told me that that would be too “Sissy.” And she freaks out about things and gives us dirty looks when we don’t freak out about them too.. I don’t know, I think it was just too much, way too much, and the depression is making it worse.

I’m still emotionally and mentally raw, I can feel other people grating on my nerves and I have to fight really hard not to show it more than I do. And some of the things she says just… I don’t know… -sigh- She told me that she expected me to go to bed at 5 when I got home because I was so cranky. I tried to explain to her that I needed to unwind from people by being alone in places that I know I’ll be comfortable and safe but I don’t think she understands that.

Gah, enough about her and her stuff.

I found a kickstarter that kicked me right in the gut today:

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/791706015/you-are-loved-a-campaign-to-combat-suicide

The story to it hit me hard, because that’s almost exactly what happened to me, to pull me at least partway out of the spiral down I’m in. Just a random comment from a stranger, from people who don’t know how close to the edge that someone can be… I don’t know, it hit hard.

I’m going to write a letter for it. The hard part is getting my emotions down and getting the letter written as only one page. I want it to pretty much say one thing: I love you. I may not know you, may never meet you or pass you on the street, but I love you.

Everyone needs to hear it.

Especially me.

Last updated December 25, 2016