On a wave in 2023

Emily and Evan are both working today, so I find myself alone in their home. Very strange feeling to be a guest in your mostly grown daughter & son-in-law’s home for the first time.

It took me 15 minutes to figure out how to connect my phone to the little electronic dot thing they have in the kitchen, but now I’m blasting the playlist I started making earlier this year and rather than being sad emotional at the love songs I have on their, I’m singing along at the top of my lungs about loving you.

And cleaning. Deep cleaning their kitchen and living room, I maybe even rearranged a bit of their furniture … it keeps me busy, it keeps my mind on something other than grief.

I need to stay busy, I know that, but I’m not ready to venture outside again yet, especially given the weakness afterwards I felt yesterday. I think I need to do myself a favor and go slowly.

I feel guilty for taking care of myself though. Because you’re gone and clearly I couldn’t take care of you, so why should I take care of myself? I know how ridiculous that sounds, I do, but it doesn’t lessen the guilt.

Today feels like I’m on a bit of a wave of .... not happiness, but slightly less grief and pain. I’m worried the wave will break soon. I know it will. Maybe not today? Maybe not even tomorrow?

But Thursday it’s going to break when I see your writing, telling me you love me, on my arm .. permanently. Not that I could ever forget but I’m desperate to have a piece of you with me forever. A piece I can just glance down and see, and touch.

Loves Babes. xoxo