I've Fallen, Now To Get Back Up in I'm About To Have A Nervous Breakdown

I have slipped into drug use again. Smoking weed on a daily basis for the last few months actually and for the last five weekends have consumed lsd, upping the dosage each time I've taken it trying to out run the demons in my head. Last Saturday was six hits. After hardly sleeping that night. Getting up at 3:40 AM. And working from 4:30 AM to 1 PM. The stress from work...lack of sleep...the general unpleasant feelings of unhappiness I've been experiencing since the break up...the walls I built up came crashing down that evening. I spent a few hours as a blubbering mess. I had people to call and fall back upon and it was relieving. Every now and then we all need a day to let the mental diarrhea out but...this was different.

There has been a lot bothering me and I've been suffering silently. In reality it's because some of these things are deep rooted issues that need some serious work to over come and they've been lurking more frequently as of late.

Mom asked if I needed to talk to someone...I finally agreed. Granted after I got out of the hospital I was supposed to follow up at the mental health center...they wanted to put me on a three month waiting list. I gave up instantly and said I was fine. Apparently not. So after years of denial I went back and filled out some paper work. Took Wednesday off from work for a walk-in assessment.

Now...I won't have an actual diagnosis till I see a therapist instead of the lady I spoke with...but, and this came as a total shock to me, there is a good chance that I may be bipolar. I was taken aback by that. Have always associated, "oh, the crazy people are bipolar ha ha ha," and well...now. The few people that I've mentioned this to have all agreed that I do exhibit some of the behavior. Again...I'm totally shocked. So...now that I have a loose understanding of whats going on...I return to start therapy in three weeks. (The lady was a lot more helpful then the one I spoke with last time.)

Although it is a bit scary to get twenty years worth of rubbish out in the open and start sorting...I'm so tired of hurting. So tired of feeling like there is nothing out there for me. I'm ready to work through this, stop inhibiting my own life, and move the fuck on...

Last updated July 17, 2014