347 hours in 2023

Thats how long its been without you.

In 15 years I’ve never gone more than a few hours without talking to you.

And now … its been 347 hours since I heard your voice, since I touched you and you were warm, since you smiled at me, hugged me, snuggled me, kissed me goodnight.

347 hours. I didn’t know it would be the last time. And now those hours … they’ll just keep counting higher, forever.

I flew home a few days ago. Trying to surround myself with people who loved you because you loved me. It’s very strange here, now. It doesn’t feel like home anymore .. it used to .. it always did .. until 347 hours ago.

Eventhough you had never come here with me, we were coming together this summer to meet everyone.

We were moving back next summer, together, and we were bringing the business with us so your Dad could retire out east, and Erik would work with you here … carrying on your family business, with my son.

I remember when we first started talking about it a few months ago, and we mentioned the idea of working out west with you to Erik and he was ecstatic at the prospect of not only the kind of work you do, but working with you, building the company out here, growing with it …

And when you said to me .. that someday .. you would pass it down to your son the way your Dad had to you, and you meant .. to Erik ..

And we had that emotional conversation about how the universe just knew … how my children don’t have fathers in their lives and never had, and how you never had children but always wanted to be a father .. and how keeping the company your father had started 40 years ago going, in the family, was so very important to you ..

Oh Babes. We had the whole thing planned, didn’t we? We actually had a plan, and had begun managing the changes towards it. We were gonna buy a wee place, so I could garden and have my chickens. I was gonna do the office stuff for the company while you did the stuff your Dad does, and Erik and Evan would work. It was all so perfect. Too perfect I guess.

I think he’s gonna sell the whole thing, Babes. Don’t be upset with him. Your Dad, so tough on the exterior like you but such a marshmallow on the inside, he’s taking this really hard. Of course he is. I can’t imagine the pain he & your Mom are feeling. But he’s struggling to work without you - he’s doing jobs left & right to stay busy since you’ve gone, but his heart isn’t in it anymore and he told me he’ll probably just sell the whole thing because he had worked so hard for so long to build it up with the specific purpose of handing it down to you. And now?

So .. it doesn’t feel like home here anymore because every time I look around I remember the plans we had.

It doesn’t feel like home out east anymore either because you’re gone. When I fly back it’ll be the first time ever that you won’t be there to pick me up from the airport. I’m terrified. Terrified.

God I miss you.