Creatively Speaking in Current Events

After my previous entry my sister invited me over for a movie night with her kids. That’s just what the holistic doctored ordered.

Last night Bev invited me over to continue watching His Dark Materials. I gave her access to my CRAVE and Paramount+. I spent most of the visit whining. I hate it when I do that. She is a life coach, she helped me discover what it is that I am avoiding. I mentioned in previous entries that I can tell that I am in my avoidance/procrastination setting but I wasn’t sure about what it is that I am avoiding. I have to confront my roommate. I have to find another job. Both have become toxic.

I also mentioned how it feels like I am always wearing a lead blanket because my seasonal depression has just been so heavy. I just want to lay in bed all day.

I’m sitting in my bed drinking my mushroom coffee. The rest of the apartment is freezing because my roommate is in and out of the balcony smoking her bong. She’s wearing coat in the house. Like, get your life right.

I’m really starting to understand domestic violence.

My mother wanted me to help her with her hair today but she postponed it because she feels like she needs a day off from everything. She runs herself haggard and her asthma has been getting worse. She needs to detox her lungs but that’s a far-right radical conspiracy thing to say. ShE nEeDs MeDiCiNe. It’s heavy to know the truth about disease because I have to watch everybody self-harm and harm their children.

Not sure what to do with my day now. I really want to avoid my roommate because I can’t stomach the sight of her bloated stoned face. I have a million things that I actually want to do but I never bring myself to do anything. I tried listening to music to stir up my insides but that failed. I’m dead inside. Instead of scrolling through my newsfeeds until my eyes bleed I could:

Read a book
Write a book
Paint
Make macrame
Make content for the socials
Study prep for school

Things I need to do:
Look for work
Financial planning

Things I end up doing:
Gaming
Scrolling through newsfeeds
Exercise (maybe)
Grocery shopping and window shopping
Cook, clean, nap, wallow

I convince myself to save my to-do and should-do lists for the weekdays when I have this place to myself. Everything creative I prefer to do home alone. That never happens. I lay in bed and enjoy the pressure-free time and space.

I ordered wall art from Amazon that arrived yesterday. I’ve had it saved on my wish list for a while. I debated getting them every day until I saw that the price dropped from $90 to $40. It’s way too small for my walls. It’s such a bummer. I might find somewhere to put them but I might just return them. I’ll play around with it tomorrow when my roommate isn’t home. She makes judgemental comments about my decor choices. She lives out of storage totes and cardboard boxes. The plan was that we would both be going to school when we moved in together. She wanted to get into interior design. She’s now a lifer in retail who makes fun of lifers in retail.

I started hiding snacks in my room. I never get to have any. I wasn’t home to cook the last two nights so she finished off the chips that were opened and a package of cookies. At one point she went out and bought bananas. She is probably going to bake today.

I have a canvas and my paint stand and my art supplies all ready to go waiting for the passion to hit me. I want to make something for Bev. The concept I have in my mind is a giant scale. It will be weighing a smaller scale and an arrow. She’s a Libra, her sons are a Libra and Sagittarius. I want to incorporate the actual constellations into it and a full moon and two crescents. She’s into the witchy-poo stuff. Whenever I find books on it or tiny little glass jars I get them for her. I want to gift her the painting for her birthday.

For myself, I want to paint the medicine wheel. I want to plug in all of the planet placements into it to match my birth chart with their symbols. The wheel will be a busted dream catcher. I want both to look more artsy than I can describe in words. The problem is that I always painted drunk. I stopped when I decided to start selling. It wasn’t for me anymore. I also don’t like to drink anymore.

My sister is getting into macrame. She wants to sell what she makes. The markup is insane. I want to get into that as well.

The books I want to write about are based of dreams I’ve had. The big one is based on a series of biblical dreams I’ve had which is coming true in real time. Another one is a fantasy book about Europe coming to the west. They bring a witch that can read scrolls and summon theological gods to fight battles. The main character meets the guru in prison that taught the witch. Through his stories he pieces together how to do it. The guru believes the main character to possess the ability to wield that power but didn’t trust him to tell him how to do it. The prison gets raided and the guru dies. The main character runs away with some scrolls and in the hopeless battle he successfully reads one correctly and transforms into the Hindu goddess Kali. He can transform into the theological gods. As Kali he is able to slow down time and drain every drop of blood from his enemies but he can only use a summon once. I have another novel idea where it discovered that giants are real but are captured and are being eaten alive by the elites because they believe they are acquiring magic from the flesh of the giants. I have a movie idea of a haunted hotel here in my city as well. I have many many small movie ideas. Most are angsty.

I used to lay on the floor and listen to music for hours and hours and come up with stories and I would even traumatize myself with some of the scary ones. I still do that.

Not sure why I shared all of that. I just wish that I could live off grid for a long while and write these stories.

Anyway, on with my day I suppose. I’ll aim to prioritize correctly.