Maybe he's right. in Since OD is shutting down....

I was talking to a co-worker about my love life crap last night and he said something about how I should just be single. He told me that he's 36 and has only had like 2 long term relationships and that if he could go back to his twenties, he would have been single. I do see where he's coming from with that because even though relationships can be fucking awesome, there's also a lot of bullshit to deal with too. I remember back when I was with my ex John who was bi-polar as fuck, my entire day revolved around what mood he was in. I will never ever be with someone with that kind of mental illness simply because I've been through it before.

There's this chick that is a customer that I've become friends with and we were talking last night about her marriage and what not and it just seems like in every relationship there's a giver and there's a taker. There's always one trying harder than the other. It's just crazy how fucked up people are and it's no wonder why relationships don't last. She told me that she bought a truck for her husband and the first words out of his mouth were, "what color is it" I mean wow. What an ungrateful piece of shit.

She is single now and has been for quite some time and she's told me that she's open to a relationship but for now is okay to have friends with benefits because there's no commitment and I see where she's coming from with that but for me not being on birth control, I'm just too worried about something happening and then not being able to finish college and have a better future.

I realize that I've always been that person who put herself out there to find someone, make way more effort then they do and give too much and then wonder why I'm left heartbroken and that's why now I have a different attitude towards men. I come off as a complete bitch and if they can handle that, then they'll get my sweet side but they aren't going to get my sweet side right away. I've done that too many times before and the wrong men find me and think I'm just going to put up with their shit which is what I've done. I need to change my attitude and my outlook on men and maybe that will help me find the right one.

I know that if my parents were a part of my life and actually cared about me, I wouldn't be as lonely. I know that I'm lonely and upset about it because things with my family aren't like I wish they could be. I do want a boyfriend but I think it's more I've wanted one just because I don't feel like I have anyone else instead of wanting one for the commitment.

It's like the longer I'm single, the more I'm figuring out myself. I realize now more than ever that I'm okay. I can take care of myself it's just that I'm scared I will do it forever. That thought terrifies me but there's nothing I can do about it. I can't force people to care or be around. I have to remember I wake up every day for a reason. I'm still trying to figure out that reason but I know someday I will know why.

I am so glad tomorrow is my Friday. I'm tired and ready to have a fucking day off. I'm so fucking sick of being at work all the time. I'm hoping to make a decent amount of money tonight and tomorrow night so I can buy groceries and get another tattoo.

My days of chasing men are over. I am no longer going to post ads on CL, be the first to initiate convo on Facebook or try to have my friends hook me up with anyone. I'm open to the idea of meeting people but until someone makes the effort with me, I'm done putting myself out there.

Time for work.