Over emotional due to my period. in Since OD is shutting down....

I had to spend some time last night thinking about my feelings and they are so strong because I'm on my period. I've been happy, sad, miserable, anxious, depressed, suicidal, okay, annoyed and every other emotion for the past few days and I just had to accept it's because of my period and it doesn't help that it was 2 weeks late either. I always have these emotions but they've just been more intense because of my hormones going bonkers. I still feel pretty down but my period should be about over since I've had it since Friday.

It still gets to me that me and that guy didn't hit it off but I need to just accept that I'm alone for a reason, or maybe a few and I need to just wait for someone to find me instead of me putting myself out there to get rejected. I just need to let things be and just accept that this is my life and I need to just enjoy what I have.

I do think I need to talk to a dr because I've never had PMS until last month and then this month, my emotions are just so intense and I can't handle it. I know that this shit is probably normal but it's really freaking me out. It's like all the emotions I feel in a month hit me all at once over the span of a week and then I'm normal again.

I have to work soon. I slept on and off until about 2 this afternoon. I was just...tired. It's like I'm just so over everything and sleep is my escape. I called my caseworker yesterday about my rent go up and she said that when my hours are supposed to go down, I need to go fill something out and then take them paystubs. I just worry about my rent being high again next month and my check not being enough to cover it. Bills seriously get to me. It just bothers me that there's just never enough money or just enough to keep me afloat and that gets to me. I want to be able to put money in the bank and let it stay there until I need it for important shit. I feel like I'm never going to get ahead no matter what I do.

For the most part, I'm okay with being alone I think but I just have days where it gets to me and it just makes me feel so ugly, awful and like I'm just a fucking monster because why else do I not have a boyfriend? The longer I'm single, the more I believe there's something wrong with me. There's got to be something wrong with me but if there wasn't, I would have someone.

It's like with men, I never really try and then when I do, I try too hard with the wrong ones. I'm okay with being alone most of the time but when I get lonely, I want to fix it as quickly as possible and then when that doesn't work, I spend a few days being depressed and wanting to die. I don't know how to change this cycle. It kills me being alone. I have nothing to look forward to and no one to be excited about seeing except for maybe my niece and even that doesn't fill a void because she's only in my life at her Mom's mood allows.

I'm just so fucking sick of being alone. I'm always told I'll find someone and I'm beautiful but here I am, still completely by myself. I don't know how anyone in my situation could be completely happy. I do the same thing everyday. I eat, sleep, and go to work. That's all I do. I'm also extremely sick of being at work all the fucking time but that's the only place I have where there's other people to be around. I don't know, I'm just sick of the same thing every fucking day. I'm gonna be alone no matter what I do.

It just gets frustrating to have no social outlet other than work. I wish I had friends outside of work. Not just people who want to use me. That Kenny guy is still pushing to move on and I've already told him no as I've already been fucked over too many times and I don't like how he's only making effort to be a part of my life because he needs to find a place to live. Don't these people think that maybe that's why I'm alone?! They don't ever wonder if I've been through this shit before?!!!

I'm hoping to make a little bit more money tonight then I did last night. I'm so tired of working so hard for a little bit of pay that barely gets me by. I couldn't even afford to buy groceries last Friday and I'm running out of food. I just don't know how the fuck I'm supposed to survive just on what I make. I worry about how things are going to be when school starts. I worry that I'm going to fall behind on bills because I won't be able to work as much and I have extra bills this time. I also don't know what to do about my car. I know that I could pay a chunk on it when I get my financial aid and even get into something else but I also don't want to make payments forever either. Fuck I just don't know what to do about anything.

I also think I've tried way too hard to make people like me or care about me. It just really gets to me when I'll post shit on Facebook and people say they didn't see it or only get a hold of me because they need someone else's phone number. I'm just tired of being everyone's go to person. I want to be someone that's cared about by other people. I want to feel loved. It also bothers me to see so many people I used to know getting married again and having more kids when I've never been married and don't have any kids. I feel like I'm never going to get anywhere. I sit and look at this same apartment every fucking day and work. I don't feel like I have anything to really live for.

Oh well. I still feel super tired and wish I could just sleep the day away but no, I have to go to work and deal with a bunch of bullshit like I always do. God please send me an answer to all of this, please.