Fuck putting a real title in here. in Since OD is shutting down....

Tonight at work wasn't bad. I only made $34 but got off at 9pm and am glad to be at home. I've felt like shit all day from my period. I have a raging headache and am so ready to go to bed. It's just been a shitty day emotionally because I've been crying alot trying to understand my situation and just sick of it being the same thing everyday.

I just get so pissed that things have to be the way they are. I'm also sick of people just coming around because they need something. That Kenny guy was bugging me tonight because he wants to be my roommate but I wrote back and told him no because I've been fucked over too many times which is part of it but we don't know each other for shit and I don't want to have to worry what's going on at my house when I'm gone. Living with someone requires a lot of trust and I am just not ready for that yet.

I know that if I needed a place to stay I would hope someone would help me out but I'm just not ready to change my living situation yet. I know I'm lonely as fuck but I also know what it's like to have roommates and how much headache and drama it tends to be and I refuse to deal with that on top of everything else I deal with on the daily.

I'm super tired and glad to be going to bed soon. I didn't get much sleep last night. That guy hasn't messaged me on Facebook and I doubt he ever will. I'm not sure why he even wanted me to come over in the first place because he barely even talked to me and didn't seem like he even wanted me there. I was talking about him to a guy I work with and he told me to go because if I didn't, I would never know if we could have hit it off not and I understand where he was coming from but now looking back, I wish I would have just left it alone. I am glad to know he didn't like me but wish I wouldn't have wasted my time and now I just feel like a fucking idiot.

It's just hard to believe things are ever going to get better because I've lived with this for so fucking long. It just doesn't seem possible for it to improve at all. It's really hard to think outside the box and sometimes, it's actually scary. I worry that even if I did find the right guy, how long would he love me? I just don't see myself with anyone long term because men always have their own agenda and motives. I just don't think it's possible for me to find a decent guy that would just wanna love me and spend time with me without wanting something in return like sex, money or a place to live.

Instead of me always worrying if I'm good enough for someone, I need to start to wonder if there's anyone out there good enough for me. I'm tired of being the best person I can be on top of putting in way more effort than they do and end up with shit. I realize I need to take a step back and just live my life and let things flow naturally. I know I would love to have a family and everything but just because it's not happening right now, doesn't mean that I need to just completely shut down and not enjoy life. I've spent a lot of time being depressed and sad over being alone and whatever but the truth is, I need to just live in the moment and enjoy being single because someday it will probably change.

Sometimes I just wish I would go to sleep and not wake up. I truly feel miserable on the inside. I know at work I'm very bubbly, happy, outgoing and act like I'm fine but most of the time I get off work to come home and cry because I'm so sick of being by myself.

Anyways, I'm gonna get ready for bed.