Same old story. in Since OD is shutting down....

Ok so I've had a crush on this guy for awhile now. I knew of him because of an old friend that worked with him. Well yesterday, I threw caution to the wind and decided to message him on Facebook. He came across as annoyed/creeped out by me. He wanted to know how I knew him and what not so I told him. Well after that, he softened a bit and then was open to hanging out with me. I just knew he wouldn't like me but ended up hanging out with him for a bit. I went over to his house and basically sat there while he played a video game. I didn't talk much because he was talking to his friends through his game and honestly, just felt super uncomfortable and just didn't feel like he really wanted me there.

I ended up going over to my friends house after and just felt super depressed. I just don't feel like I'm ever going to find someone. I hung out with her until about 3 this morning and she made me feel better but I am just so tired of being lonely and never having anyone. It's really hard to come home to an empty house every night and nobody really giving any kind of a fuck what I do. I question what I'm living for. I am just so tired of even talking about this crap because it's never going to change. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and it's going to be the exact same thing. I'm still going to be alone.

This shit just really gets to me. I've come to the realization I'm going to be alone no matter what I do. Even if I find someone, they won't ever be around or even if they love me, they'll eventually stop and then I'll find myself holding on to someone who's already let go just like I did before. I guess I'm just tired of feeling invisible and unimportant. I just don't feel like I matter to anyone. I went to sleep this morning super depressed just wanting to fucking kill myself and just decided to become a heartless bitch and just not give any kind of a fuck anymore but then I realized, why? Just because that guy didn't like me that's not a good enough reason to just completely shut down.

He's been posting pics online of stupid shit and tagging some chick in them. I unfriended him. I understand where we are at now. It sucks that we didn't make a connection because I had a crush on him for a long time but at least now I know. It hurts and it's going to take me awhile to get over it but I always do. Just like that Patrick dude. It still bothers me that I didn't even want to date and then after he asked me to be his girlfriend, I thought maybe we could have had something but then he just dipped the fuck out.

Men are a fucking joke. I just don't get their thinking at all. All I know is this is a very cruel world when you are a single female. I am very vulnerable all because I'm a woman and it pisses me off. I'll be okay. I'm not gonna sit around being upset about this guy or anyone else. Life is just too fucking short. Everything will be just fine. I do hope to find someone eventually but if I don't, then I don't. All I know is I'm done trying.

I have to work soon. Cuz that's all I do. My rent went up another $80 so that's stressful as fuck. All I do is pay bills and it just really gets annoying. I am so tired of getting no help and having to do it all on my own. I'm independent though because I have no other fucking choice. I sometimes envy my friends who have spouses that help them survive. I also am way past my oil change but every place is booked solid and wants me to just drop it off which is not even in question.

Not gonna lie, it's hard as fuck to not just completely shut down. It just upsets me that I am all by myself. I'm so fucking sick of coming home to this house where there's no one to talk to or cuddle with or even eat with. Like, it's fucking old. It's been like this for so long that I honestly don't think I'll ever find someone. I'm just done. I just have to give up. I think I'm going to see about moving. Maybe find a place where I could have a pet might help. I just don't feel like I have anyone to love or anyone to love me back. Sure, I have my niece but even that's a temporary thing. I can't plan to have her in my life long term because her Mom is a fucking crazy bitch.

I'm super tired today. I hate staying up past 1 am because then I seem to drag ass the next day, even if I sleep past noon. I'm just not a night owl at all. I just wish I wouldn't have went over to that guys house because I knew he wouldn't like me so I'm mad at myself for putting myself in that spot to get rejected. God damn it.

More later.