So many words in 2023

I think I figured out why I had stopped writing here for so long. For the last almost 15 years, Chris was my OpenDiary or Prosebox.

He was my sounding board, my best friend, my confidante, the calm to my storm through the crappiest times of my life, it was always him, he was always there.

And now that I am fully submerged in the deepest emotional pain I have ever experienced, and will ever experience hopefully, in my life .. the person I would always turn to, whether it be in tears or laughter .. is gone.

I’m afraid to go outside. There’s never been a world without you and now it’s out there and it terrifies me. It seems so very big and I feel so very small.

I know this is all a “normal” part of the bereavement process .. as normal as any of this is .. and God do I have so very many supportive people in my corner.

I know I need help. More than any other time in my life, I need it now. I know. I didn’t even go to counseling after the whole ex husband thing. I was too tough, you see. Too strong for that. A survivor. I wasn’t a domestic violence victim, I was a survivor and I didn’t need anyone ..

Those long nights alone with my fears back then, Chris would stay up with me and talk to me and make me laugh and just be with me .. even before we had met in person, even back then. Always. Always him.

Now though, I recognize that I need professional help for this. To somehow .. ease the pain and memory of those first moments Monday morning. I thought that being able to say goodbye to you properly on Easter Sunday, looking so handsome in the outfit I picked for you, would ease it .. and it did a little .. but its still there.

Like a movie in my head. Watching myself shaking you, screaming, running in slow motion out of the room for my phone, calling 911, screaming for an ambulance .. how did I manage to give them our address? I don’t know.

She kept trying to get me to start CPR on you .. I threw the curtains open in our room and .. I mean .. I knew before that. That you were gone. I knew when I ran from the room. I knew. But I would have tried anyway .. I couldn’t move your arm from your chest to start compressions .. you just looked like you were asleep but .. not.

They let me say goodbye to you in the hallway .. through the body bag. But I needed to see you properly one last time. And it did help, to touch you and kiss you properly but .. I’m really fucked up.

Really fucked up.

But then I remember what everyone keeps saying .. that you fell asleep beside me and just never woke up. You fell asleep in our cocoon of love, knowing how utterly loved you were, warm and snuggled beside me like we always wanted.

And the only reason this grief is all consuming the way it is is because of how powerful our love is. If there were no love .. there would be no grief.

You always used to say your favorite quote was something along the lines of ..... You will never truly know the depth of love you have for someone until you lose them.

Oh Babes, how did you know?