Livin. in Since OD is shutting down....

So my daughter is at school and I just took a shower. I have a job interview in the morning so I plan to hopefully get a job. I’m concerned about childcare but my Mom stopped by and said she’d help so we’ll see how things go. I wouldn’t need childcare but once in a while so hopefully I’ll get the help when it’s needed. I’m definitely ready to be working again and see where things go because I’m tired of the same stress all the time of worrying about the future.

I’m glad that we had that blizzard when we did so I didn’t have my friend bugging me to come visit. I really hope that he’s thinking there’s a good chance I won’t be back to visit and that I’m not moving there. I can honestly say that I do have a bad temper on the surface that I’m just too afraid of what could happen the next time and how I could end up reacting to it. I would literally die if I was pushed to the point of getting physical and then risk getting arrested and then have to worry about my daughter because there would be no one there to take her.

I honestly believe that the end goal for him would be something like that to happen. I honestly have always gotten the feeling that he’s low key jealous of me because I’ve always had my shit together and have never had legal problems like him and I wouldn’t put it past him to try and get me in serious trouble. I also think he’s got a lot of abandonment issues that trigger the control issues and that’s why he’s big on trying to hold me hostage when I visit. I have seen how much control he has over his room mates and friends there and wants to try and have the same control over me.

One of my biggest problems is not always listening to my gut instincts. I remember when we went to visit almost a year ago and we stopped for lunch about 90 miles out and the whole time we were eating I remember thinking that we should just turn around and go home. I didn’t because I knew my daughter would have been really sad because she wanted to see his daughter and I remember just playing out different scenarios in my head and how I would handle things and just thought I wouldn’t let things go bad and the next thing I knew, things went horribly wrong and I was powerless to stop it and there was nothing I could do to even try to make it better.

It was probably the worst experience I’ve had since I became a Mom. I will never forget and even the thought of going to visit makes my stomach turn. I just can’t surround myself with people that want to trigger the unhealed version of me because I don’t want to end up in jail and face serious legal problems. I know that people aren’t going to get along every second and I can deal with being uncomfortable here and there, but when I’m made to feel completely unsafe and that I can’t protect my daughter or myself, that’s a whole other issue that I don’t even know how to deal with.

All I know is I ever treated someone the way he’s treated me, I would understand when they just wanted to fucking leave. I definitely handled myself with grace and have no regrets on keeping my composure and just getting us out of there safely. I was sure that his friend was thinking about grabbing a knife out of her kitchen to either stab me or flatten my tires to prevent us from leaving so I made sure I stood sideways between my door and my car so I could keep an eye on her and if she would have started coming towards me, I had planned to grab the mace I had sitting on my seat. It still creeps me out that she was just standing there at the bottom of her steps watching me.

I remember when she started getting disrespectful, even her kids just became silent. Everyone was really uncomfortable. There was no talking her down. I remained quiet because I knew there was nothing I was going to be able to say to calm her down and with each second that passed and everything that she was saying, she was getting her self completely fired up to physically harm me. She was pissed because I was going home instead of staying the night. My daughter and I had been there for 2 days where we hadn’t eaten, hadn’t hardly slept, and hadn’t showered.

When narcs aren’t in control, they tend to become really scary people. I remember when she started in and I was just thinking that I still had to walk inside her house to grab our towels and clothes that were sitting on her couch where she followed me in and literally was standing behind me to my left and reached out like she was going to stop me from picking up our stuff but I just grabbed our crap and headed out the door. She was still talking shit and I stayed completely quiet. She was saying whatever she thought it was going to take to get me to react and it didn’t work. All I cared about was getting my daughter in the car and getting the fuck out of there and away from them as fast as I could.

I’m just so over dealing with shitty people and never feeling safe around anybody. I have always felt that I attract that drags of humanity. I plan to educate my daughter about people like this and how important it is to pay attention to the warning signs and how it’s okay to have friends where you stay in touch but out of reach. I have definitely mastered this skill with several people because I refuse to be the one that is giving out money, letting people stay at my house or just being the one enabling anybody. I have plenty of my own shit to deal with.

I have so much I need to work on as a Mom. My top thing is my patience. I think I do pretty good overall but on Monday, I could tell my patience was definitely wearing thin after having my child for 11 days straight. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath and remember that it’s not my fault or hers that her Dad is a deadbeat. It’s very hard doing it all on my own but I’d rather it be this way than have him involved and have the added stress which is all he provides.