Uncomfortable in 2023

I keep waking up through the night, every couple hours and tossing and turning. And sweating. So much sweating. So uncomfortable. But in bed, sometimes, when I’m asleep, I forget you’re gone.

The first night without you, so vividly in my dream you came to me and kissed me. I don’t remember the context of the dream, but there you were and you kissed me like you used to, and wiggled your mustache on my lips. It was the perfect kiss and it was so real. I keep hoping you’ll come back again.

I try to stay in bed as long as I can every time I wake up, hoping I’ll fall asleep again and none of this will be real.

I took the girls out this morning. The kids have been taking them for me. The neighbour upstairs, he and his wife were leaving when I was out there … he looked at me … gently … can someone look at someone else gently? He did. And he just .. idk, he softly smiled and nodded his head and carried on. His wife, she didn’t look at me, she just bowed her head and pressed her hands together under her chin like she was saying a quick prayer for you, for me, for us.

So many different cultures sent so much love to you in so many ways.

So many blunts and bongs were sparked for you when we said goodbye. I know you felt them. I did. They gave me the courage to touch your cheek the first time, remember? Did you feel my hands caressing your face?

Your hands were soft. I could lift them into mine. I couldn’t that morning. I was so glad to hold your hands again, to twist our fingers together.

The girls each gave you the bandanas they were wearing, and I gave you my favorite cow bandana .. not because it was my favorite but because it hid the weedme container your joint was rolled in.

Rolled you one last traveler, Babes. In that gross banana paper I hated, so you always got your work joints rolled in because you liked it. I wanted to make sure you had one for the road, you know?

And the photo I had on the kitchen table, one of the old family ones of the kids & I and Sadie … I laid it on your chest, so we would always be there. Right there. With you. You loved that photo. Sadie was the only one looking at the camera.

I came back here .. after so long .. to write again because I don’t want my FB to turn into my sorrow showing up in everyone’s life every single day. At least here, I can just write it out or talk to you and no one knows but those choosen few who are here.

If you’re here, and you know me over there .. not many know that I’m here, that I write even more openly here than I do there, and I’d like to keep it that way. His family is there with me and it doesn’t feel right to let myself go like this over there. I’m going to be strong over there, strong enough so they don’t worry about me.

But here? I’m safe here with you guys. To hurt. To scream. To beg. To cry. You understand. More than anyone else how an online friendship turned into a real one after 10 years, we got 2 years long distance, and I don’t know about anyone else but I thank God for Covid happening to push us to just give it a real shot because no one knew how long anyone had … us especially, I guess. Covid didn’t take you, it made pushed me to do the thing and move all the way across the country to be with you.

And we had these last 2 years, didn’t we? I keep getting so angry that you were taken from me so soon. So cheated. So angry. But then .. like you always do .. I feel you say, “but Babes, we got two years.” and you’re right. I know you’re right.

We could have had nothing.

I love you, Babes. With a raw emotional love that I know only you knew. I love you.