Currents in The Day To Day Ramblings

As I'm currently home sick with a stupid head cold/sinus infection/migraine, I wanted to take this unexpectedly free day and post Currents in general. Being sick while pregnant has made me the biggest wimp and most self involved wuss of all time so I'll keep my whining to a minimum and just in this first paragraph. Just know - appreciate your decongestants when you can take them because this combo of stuffed up yet runny nose is the pits. Also, the pounding headache and intense sinus pressure that kept me up all of last night made me think maybe Michael Jackson was onto something with taking propofol to sleep. It was brutal BUT here I am, alive and the sun is out and the migraine has faded and I'm hoping I'm turning a corner. The endless snot river coming from my head can end any time and the sneezing so hard I think brains may explode out my ears has overstayed its welcome...but nothing like getting knocked down to make one appreciate just feeling normal again afterwards! Ok, END of talking about being sick because it's self indulgent and silly. And I'll take sick and pregnant over healthy and not pregnant so a little perspective is certainly relevant. :)

CURRENTS!

Disclaimer: I may add a few categories that align with stories I wanted to tell you. I'm sorry. Or you're welcome. Either way...this is my own version of Currents. :)

Current book: A close friend lent me "The Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy" and while it was written in 1995 (aka Before The Internet LOLZ) it is still funny, quirky, and full of all kinds of truths no one but your close friends would share with you. I am highly entertained. I very much recommend it for any other moms-to-be out there as well as for anyone else to gift to one at a baby shower. It is full of great 'behind the scenes' info on some of the most embarrassing, honest, scary, stupid, ridiculous, real things pregnant ladies go through.

Current music: I've been on a Zac Brown Band kick and sing every lyric out loud, freely, head thrown back while riding in the car. When I'm not blasting that, I'm listening to This American Life podcasts endless on the Bluetooth in my Kia. I love that show and learn new things every time I listen. At the very least it opens my minds to other worlds, other realities, the way other people live and function and exist. It's fascinating. I can't get enough of their stories.

Current craving: Still ramen. Always ramen. Probably also greek yogurt. But in general the crazy, must-have-it-now, dream-about-it-constantly sort of cravings have faded. I'm just eating food because I like it, not because I have to have it like I did with so many things first trimester.

Current shame-inducing guilty pleasure/indulgence: DQ Blizzards. Peanut butter cup. Could eat one every day and not feel bad about it but trying to avoid that. But oh man. That creamy ice cream and sweet chocolate and salty peanut butter just hit the spot in all the right ways every time I slip that spoon between my lips. Heavenly, I tell you. It's a shame something so delicious is ultimately so bad for us in excess.

Current TV show: Orange is the New Black. Making my way through the second season slowly, mindfully, savoring it like a favorite hard to find treat. Knowing there isn't a third season out yet and that the wait between first season and second season was so difficult...I'm being careful with this one. But it is so good. So, so good. Also, NY Med. I love any sort of real life trauma, hospital, medical show. I could watch a whole channel of 'inside a hospital' type shows and never grow sick of it.

Current fear: Is there ever a point in pregnancy where you stop being afraid? I'm still scared every day that my little one has died and every time I go pee, I wait to wipe away blood and find out it's the beginning of the end. I have no reason to think that but my paranoid brain is on overdrive all the time, worrying that something has happened. Since there isn't much going on between weeks 12-20, I don't have doctor appointments to check the heartbeat and I'm just waiting it out until the big anatomy scan on August 5th. None of my strengths include patience or calm with waiting or not overthinking. I even broke down and used one of our pocket dopplers at work the other day in a back room just to hear that comforting whoosh whoosh whoosh of a steady, healthy, alive heartbeat. I still feel like it's a girl but my sister was certain hers was a boy and it's a girl so who knows. All I'm saying is I want a healthy baby in December, boy or girl. Also, for the constant fear that something will go wrong to fade away. Can't wait for the first kicks and signs there is someone in there living their little life and growing happily. Any day now, little nugget, make yourself known to me any day now. :)

Current drinks: Water. And milk. All the milk. Trying to drink more water as I still don't pee as much all day as I'm supposed to (TMI? No such thing while pregnant, I don't think) yet all night I'm up peeing. Weird how that works. It's also strange to realize that I have two other little kidneys in there doing work and filtering pee and that all this extra fluid that I'm supposed to be drinking is mingling with another little soul in there who appreciates it. And oh the milk. Two gallons a week on a conservative count. There's something bizarre about feeding your unborn child endless amounts of milk intended for the newborn baby of another species...but I digress. I drink all the milk. This is a Wisconsin baby.

Current incredible work experience: I cared for a man who hit a deer on his motorcycle a few weeks ago and was ultimately declared brain dead. His only injuries were to his head and his family made the valiant and courageous decision to donate his organs and tissues. I was able to go along with his body to the OR, be a part of the 'moment of appreciation' they do before they begin the first cut where we talk about who he was, what he did, his hobbies and his family and his life, and then I stayed to watch the recovery. I saw his beating heart removed from his chest, his kidneys carefully cut out, his liver expertly slid from under his ribs...and I was humbled again, always, over and over, for the opportunities this job affords me to see the most incredible things. He saved four lives that day not counting all of the people whose lives will be improved by tendons, ligaments, corneas, skin grafts and other tissue donations. Truly a moment I won't forget. I know I say I love my job all the time but it often feels like it transcends that. I am my profession and my profession is me. So many times I feel like I did not pick nursing, it picked me and all I did was follow the path before me to the deepest connection and sense of purpose that I've ever known. To say I love it is an understatement.

Current triumph: My sister and I are still running! I know I'm only 17 weeks along and not even halfway through my pregnancy and that I have many months ahead in which I could stop being able to run...but I'm thrilled we're still putting down miles and maintaining our endurance and feeling really good while doing it. My sister has quite the bump on her now but she's still out there, chugging along, maintaining a great pace and being (as always) a huge inspiration for me. I would have quit working out months ago if it weren't for her calm, constant encouragement and 6 AM exercise invitations that keep arriving in my Gmail Calendar inbox. Plus time with her to bond, connect, away from husbands and parents and jobs and other life stresses is priceless. We have formed a bond even deeper as we share this pregnancy journey together and despite how painful infertility was and that 18 months of negative tests nearly broke my in half, I wouldn't change it because now I get to do all of this with her. It was all for a reason and boy was it worth it.

Current excitement: A weekend ahead full of kayaking with my entire family for a few hours on a winding, wonderful little river hidden away up in northern Wisconsin followed by a big house party at my best friend's place then heading back to Rob's hometown to celebrate his grandma's 85th birthday (she is my favorite relative of his, by far). Then exciting plans the next two weekends after that which can all be summarized by saying I traded ALL of the weekends away in July (at the cost of working every weekend in August, but we won't talk about that yet) and I intend on seeing ALL the people and doing ALL the things and soaking up summertime with all that extra weekend time. You think you appreciate weekends until you lose half of them to work...after you get a few of those back you are pretty sure you'd leave your spouse and marry weekends if you could. :)

Current heartbreak: My poor, sweet grandpa (my dad's dad - my favorite grandparent) was diagnosed with throat cancer in April. He underwent seven weeks of six times per week radiation treatments and was doing great until about a week after his last treatment. Overnight his throat swelled shut and he stopped breathing and was taken to the hospital by ambulance to get a trach put in. Since then, it's been nothing but complications and issues and he isn't eating and he's in a nursing home now after failing miserably at home trying to get by and struggling. He's a very smart, composed, quiet, introverted, proud, sweet old man and I have no doubt the nursing home is extremely difficult for him. His wife, my grandma, is also falling apart and has stopped eating out of stress and not sleeping and her health is deteriorating and it's all going to hell in a hand basket. My aunt is trying to help them as much as she can but my aunt has zero medical training and thanks to her extreme need for control and off the charts anxiety level is often times making the situation worse with her hovering and over-involvement and basically that whole side of my family is in Crisis, Emergency, Threat Level Red amounts of stress. It's awful to see and I wish I could help but he's where he needs to be, my grandma simply needs him back and my heart breaks about the whole thing. He just had his 83rd birthday but since then it's been nothing but a sudden, painful, miserable, horrendous shitshow. Just awful. I hope it turns around but the nurse in me feels like this is the beginning of the end, for both of them.

Current photo: To end on something entirely different than the above story...I've got to say my favorite part of pregnancy so far (second to, you know, growing a tiny human :)) is the boobs. As an flat chested, padded bra wearing A cup my entire life, these new developments are a constant source of entertainment. I can't stop staring at them and fluffing them and poking at them, reveling in them bouncing as I go up and down stairs and appreciating their shape in clothing. They were needles and daggers of pain all of first trimester but have calmed down considerably in second trimester and now I can't stop enjoying them. So I thought you guys should get to as well. :) Mwahaha!