Unfair. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I picked up my niece yesterday and took the kids to the park for a couple of hours and then got pizza. She decided that it tasted different so she wouldn’t eat it. I made her eat some ramen when we got back from the dollar store and then she spent the night. I had them both until I took her home today at 1 after an Easter egg hunt. My brother said my kid can maybe come over later or something but I doubt that will happen. I just think it’s great I had his kid for almost 24 hours again and then he gets to be selfish like that. Again, this is my life.

We are just hanging out. We went through her candy and then had pizza for lunch. It’s really warm and sunny today so that’s nice. I want to sit down and watch a movie at some point but may run a couple of errands first. Tomorrow is Easter and I’m sure we will just sit here together bored out of our minds because that’s how holidays go for us. It really sucks that my daughter doesn’t have more people to show up for her. We never did hear from her big sister and she hasn’t mentioned it.

I’m excited for school to start back up again but I’m not because then it means I’m going to be alone again. I do have a job interview Tuesday morning and I hope I get it. If not, I plan to keep putting in applications, I’m sure I’ll get hired somewhere. I’m only going to be able to work within school hours so that definitely makes things a bit harder. There’s a lot of women here in the same spot I’m in. They will ask online and people say to offer date nights which is fine but everyone here wants unbelievable amounts of money to watch kids and that’s a lot of the reason I don’t try and find sitters. I don’t trust people anyway and to over pay people to watch my kid sit and play on her tablet isn’t going to help us financially.

I’m just so frustrated with everything and really hope things start to get better because I don’t know how much longer I can deal with my loneliness and having no support system. My daughter and I were dealt a really shitty hand and I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.

It’s also bullshit how every time I call my Mom, she’s in a rush to get off the phone. It’s like it’s not enough that she never comes over, she never babysits, and he’s gotta control how long she’s on the phone too?! I would NEVER let a man run my life like this and my sympathy only runs so deep. This is the same situation she’s lived in for decades and NOTHING is ever going to change. It’s sad that he’s so insecure and selfish that he’s made sure she’s not allowed a relationship with anyone else!

I really don’t know how much I’m going to care once my parents pass away. I have so much deep seeded anger and hatred that I think I’ll probably be just fine once they go. They have the most fucked up dynamic and I’m pissed about how much it’s affected not only my life, but the fact that my daughter doesn’t get to have a relationship with my Mother, especially when she doesn’t have a relationship with her Dad or his side of the family.