Sickening. in Since OD is shutting down....

Anyways, so it’s shark week and my anxiety is running at 100mph. I’m super scared and frustrated that I’m never going to get a job or be able to keep a job because I don’t have help with my daughter outside of school. Then I look on that website and see SD out at the bars just about every night. It seriously must be nice to NEVER have any parental responsibility whatsoever! I had messaged his brother asking if I should reach out to him and he basically said that he would just quit talking to me and for me to not put in any more time into that guy. I don’t agree with him being all jealous and worry about us hooking up but I do agree with him saying for me to not waste any more time.

I’m just so frustrated that this guy has yet to face any accountability and how he gets to just live his life however he wants. I haven’t gotten to do anything in almost a year now and have no clue when I’ll get to because I don’t have a babysitter! I think it’s bullshit that he gets to go out and never have to worry about a sitter, paying someone or being back at a certain time! It honestly just makes me so mad that I could spit nails! I’m also pissed that his sister enables him to be like this or else he would have no choice but to get a fucking job! She’s helping him fuck me over and I’m never going to be okay with it!

Anyways, we got up this morning and got my free birthday coffee and got breakfast. I’m hoping my niece is going to come later because my kid wants to hang out with her. She went to their house yesterday for a few hours which was nice because I got laundry done and she got out of the house. We’ve been just chilling for days so I’m glad she got to go. I’m pissed that it’s just my responsibility to make sure that she has stuff to do and people to hang out with while her Dad gets to just worry about himself. I just can’t ever feel okay with him being a selfish piece of garbage and there’s always going to be a part of me that is going to stay pissed about it.

I’m glad my daughter is home until Tuesday because after she’s back in school, I’ll have to worry about keeping myself busy. I have an interview right after she goes to school on Tuesday and it’s at a place where I don’t want to work but I need to do something. I don’t know if I can handle another week of sitting in this house by myself. It’s lonely and depressing. It just puts me in such a deep, dark place being by myself all the time and then my anxiety is just off the fucking charts. I’m very angry that I parent all by myself because someone else refuses to help at all and everything is on my shoulders.

Most of the time, I take everything in stride but sometimes it really truly just irks me to my core. I hope this motherfucker is happy with himself. He’s just continued living his life like his child doesn’t exist and only remembers her if it means creating chaos, making someone jealous or getting new pictures for Facebook. It’s sickening. I just wonder how many undiagnosed mental problems he has because it’s not normal for anyone to be like this.

I told my friend that I seriously thought about reaching out to him but why? It’s just the same conversation where he says how I’ve kept him from her, I’m every name in the book and everything is my fault. I’m just not going down that rabbit hole again. I’ve done it too many times and he’s just not capable of of new ideas so it’s just the same things being said over and over again. It’s just exhausting and I refuse to put myself out there to deal with it anymore. I don’t plan to have another conversation with him unless it’s through a parenting app.