One day at a time. in Since OD is shutting down....

I've been eating like complete shit for the past 2 weeks. I eat a lot of fruits and veggies but can't seem to stay away from fast food, especially when I get off work. By the time I get off, I'm tired and hungry so I just feel like going through a drive through on my way home. I know it's setting me back but even when I have food at home, I don't feel like it's going to be fulfilling enough. I am going to try and take it one day at a time. So far today, I haven't eaten anything bad yet so that's a start.

I also think I'm going to cancel my Curves membership. I know I have to give them a 30 day notice (which is bs) but I just don't feel like it's challenging enough and just never seem to find the time or energy to go. It's already Wednesday and I don't plan to go this week. I just don't like the machines and feel like I actually get more from playing my dance games on my Wii is more of a work out then going to Curves. I also plan on buying Zumba and it's only like $13 from Amazon.

Oh and I've been putting in a lot of hours at work the past few days as well. Last night I was there until midnight because my manager said that if I stayed and did all the dishes she would give me ice-cream so I stayed. I also wanted an extra hour on my paycheck.

Things are going okay. I haven't thought about that guy much except for realizing that I'm not going to have another relationship where I make the most effort and try to force things again. I absolutely refuse. If this guy wants to be friends with my brother, I have no problem with that at all. He is able to contact my brother because he knows where he lives and has his phone number. I don't feel that we made much of a connection and only comes around because of my brother anyway. I'm also pissed that he lied to me about everything. It sucks that people have to be like that but I don't expect anything less.

With every guy that comes into my life and doesn't stay, I'm learning more and more about myself. I know at the end of the day I am a good person and give everyday the best I can. If no guy is willing to come into my life and stay, then that's on them. I'm not going to fight for anyone to stick around and I'm not going to lose myself by wasting my time or energy where it doesn't need to be. I do get sick of doing everything by myself but it's whatever. It would be nice to have someone to help with housework and bills but I don't have have anyone but myself. It does get me down sometimes but there's nothing I can do but have faith that it will change someday.

I don't hear from my parents much and when I do, it's because they need to borrow money. I really wish my Mom would get a job and for both of them to understand that they need to start taking care of their own bills and money issues.

That Kenny guy still calls or text everyday and I never respond. I just want him to leave me alone. I know what he wants and I'm not interested. I'm not into being a sugar mama or giving someone a free place to stay so I wish he would take a fucking hint already. I wish people would understand that if I wanted a roommate, I would fucking have one! I'm not in any position to change my living situation and even if I did want someone to live with me, it wouldn't be him. It just sucks that people have to be like that where they think someone needs to be taking care of them instead of taking care of themselves.

I do worry about my financial situation when school starts. I'm going to have a couple extra bills this winter which stresses me out because I have to pay for groceries and my heat by myself. I feel like I'm probably never going to have any extra money at all. I worry because I will have car payment, car insurance, cell phone, heat, cable, rent, groceries and whatever else that comes up like car repairs. I'm scared I'm not going to be able to keep up with everything by myself. I know my rent will go down because I won't work as much but I'm still worried. I am so fucking sick of trying to figure out how to manage everything by myself.

With school, I'm just going to hope I won't have a shit load of homework in every class and with work, I will have to cut back to like 4 days a week and I'm not sure how they are going to feel about that but I can't run myself ragged like I did last semester. I was so fucking sleep deprived that I couldn't stand myself and was fucking miserable all the time. I can't do that again. I'm just gonna have to have an equal balance between work, school, sleep, and time for myself. I think I might get a couple of those heaters that you can just plug in because then I won't have to leave my heat running until I get home at night and then maybe my bill won't be so high.

Anyway, I'm getting ready for work. I have to make enough for car payment, chair and oil change this week. I already have most of what I need but whatever is left, I need to put in the bank. I've made a huge dent in my savings because I was so broke for so long that now if I want something, I buy it. I have to get out of that mindset because I need to start having money in the bank, more than what I do. I'm glad I get paid on Friday and most of it I get to leave in the bank.

More later.