Got things done. in Since OD is shutting down....

My daughter and I ran uptown and had breakfast. I ran and got my medications because we have a big blizzard coming and might be snowed in for a couple of days and I didn’t want to be without. I am unbelievably sick of winter time and ready for it to be warm and stay warm. I can’t stand looking at that ugly white stuff anymore. It’s also annoying that it can’t ever snow just a little bit, it just has to get down right scary and dangerous trying to drive. I’m just over it this year.

It’s nice just hanging out at home and getting stuff put away. It’s always nice when the weekend is over because I get so tired. I did nothing this weekend but take care of kids, take them to do stuff and clean.

We are now just playing on our phones relaxing. I’m hoping we will nap today. We’ve had busy last 3 days and I like when we can just hang out at home. The storm hasn’t started but we have plenty of food and everything we need so we’ll be alright. Let’s hope this is the last doozy for the year and then we can start planning on doing stuff outside.

I’m still thinking about BD wanting to see his child. I told my friend and he said it’s more he wants to see me. I almost want to ask my brother if he’d want to arrange a visit at his house, I promise BD would have every excuse under the sun because he’s never really been into seeing her unless I’m around which really pisses me off. Like the guy needs to accept that I don’t want him, I never did and after being left to be a single Mom for almost 6 years, I will NEVER want him! It’s also bullshit that men like this are always thinking about themselves and what control they can get.

I remember years ago when I had a friend tell me that it sounded like I just wanted CS and for him to not be involved. I have fought tooth and nail for him to be a Dad and have given him every chance possible to make a bond with her and maintain it. I’ve tried setting up times for visitation. I have let him take her overnight and keep her as long as he wanted. I have tolerated being blamed for absolutely everything. I have tolerated being called every name in the book. I tolerated being abused from other people and being exploited and publicly humiliated. I have cried buckets of tears from the guilt that my kid only has me. I have absolutely let him destroy me to the point where I don’t think I’ll ever trust a man again.

There’s only so much you can do and there’s only so much you can take before realizing you are doing nothing but hurting your child by trying to force their other parent to care. I remember him telling me to take HIM to court. I will never do that as that’s FORCING him to be in her life where he has zero interest unless it means control over me. Sometimes I have honestly felt that people are upset that I fully accept my situation. I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong by letting him ‘live his life’ because that means I’m letting us live ours. Free from the lies, free from the abuse and most importantly, free from someone who just wants to have his reign of terror with me and my child.

I don’t even care about CS anymore. I’d love to actually have his rights terminated and be completely free of him. This guy absolutely tortured me with his emotional abuse through my friend my whole pregnancy while he was out sleeping with every one he could and lying about everything under the sun. Every conversation consists of him telling me how I’ve kept him from his child, I’m to be blamed for everything and I’m every name in the damn book. You can’t have a logical, healthy conversation with him. There’s no accountability for him and he knows it. There’s no winning.

No one blames me I don’t think but I don’t feel like anyone actually puts any blame on him because they’ve all sat there and listened to him drone on and on about how he’s this huge victim and they believe it because God forbid the Mom actually be in the right. It’s absolutely sickening. I take care of my child 100% by myself, always have and yet he gets to sit around and gain clout from the situation he created.