Spring Break. in Since OD is shutting down....

So next week school is out and I’m wondering how we are going to keep busy. I know we’ve toyed with the idea of going to see my friend and it’s been brought up but I just can’t bring myself to actually go. After what happened last year, I don’t see myself spending a few hundred dollars, many hours in the car to question how the visit is going to go after coming back pissed off every time like I normally do. It’s just too damn far and we are still having to worry about the weather and I don’t want to risk getting snowed in somewhere.

My friend has pulled a lot of shit on me all the years I’ve known him and I’ve never gotten the chance to forgive any of it because every time I turn around, he does even more. I’m just not going to risk spending hundreds on gas and food and then motel rooms knowing he’s going to find a way to control me and all our time while we are there. Every time we go, this is the shit that happens. I’m either held hostage or he finds a way to make to where I forget something so I have to come back. I also don’t have extra money to waste and don’t feel like spending a bunch of money that I’m not able to replace knowing there’s a good chance that what happened last time could happen again.

He mentioned me coming yesterday. He thinks I should come there and get a room and just relax but I can get a room here without driving for like 7 hours with my kid in the car. Like I don’t think he understands how long of a drive that is with a child. It’s exhausting. I also don’t feel like putting a bunch of extra miles on my car when I’ll probably come back hating his guts yet again. I know that 2 months ago when I was clearing out my house I was in a different place thinking I was completely ready to move there but I would just hate to think I’m going from having help at least sometimes to potentially not at all and not even having my niece for my daughter to play with because he doesn’t ever see his own kids so my daughter would have no one.

I know that I would absolutely LOVE to get the fuck out of here and I’ve talked about it for at least a decade but I want to do it the right way. I don’t wan to feel like I’m doing it just to spite my SD or to just get away from everyone, I want to do it because there’s better paying jobs and things are overall going to just make sense. It also needs to be my decision, not someone else’s. He’s a very controlling person and wants everything all his own way. I deal with enough of that here, I’m not going to deal with it somewhere else.

My other friend mentioned to me the other day about him coming to visit me. Well, he won’t because he’s not going to waste his time or money and worry about ME controlling things?! He’s made it very clear that he’s never going to come visit me so that’s even more reason for me to do other things. I even told my friend instead of me going there, why not go to another city and get a hotel room and take my kid to do what I want and not worry about someone controlling me or my time?!

I’m just too worried about the same things happening and I REFUSE to put myself or my child through that again. It was an absolute nightmare. It always seems like a good idea to go visit and I come back full of regret. I’m just not doing it anymore. I also have too many concerns with ending up driving back in the middle of the night again. There’s just no fucking way! That was probably the most traumatizing part of the whole fucking thing! I didn’t feel comfortable staying there because I was too worried that they would have found my car and did something to it so that we wouldn’t have been able to leave the next morning so it was better for us to leave and I can’t imagine putting myself and my child in a situation like that again.

My daughter told me she wanted to go there this weekend because she’s heard him mention it on the phone but I had to tell her that his kids won’t be around as he never sees them and the other little girl won’t be around because him and his friend don’t really talk anymore. It would basically be me taking her to another city for her to play by herself, which she already does that here!

It’s just too far, too many unnecessary miles on my car and too much money to consider going because there’s a really big chance I’m going to leave there full of anger and hate like I do every damn time!! It’s just too bad that he has to become this controlling, crazy fucking bitch whenever we go visit! I just don’t want to waste a bunch of time and money to feel uncomfortable and unsafe! It’s just not worth it!!