Doing alright. in Since OD is shutting down....

I have spent a lot of time since last night thinking about things and I can honestly say men here ain’t shit. I just have always found it totally bizarre how so many men can just be okay with not having cars, jobs, or even their own place and then act like your standards are just too damn high!!

I just got back from counseling where I talked about this stuff. She agreed that it’s completely normal and healthy to have standards and it’s never a good idea to just go over to someone’s house! I have this really weird kink about wanting to meet people in a public place and I was annoyed at how many times this guy asked me to bring my daughter and come spend the night. I’m not willing to put myself in a really uncomfortable, potentially unsafe situation and I damn sure wouldn’t be bring my daughter! Where to people come up with this shit?!!?

I think he was just a really selfish person that just wanted to get his sexual needs met and was going to do or say whatever it took to make that happen. I just wish people could be honest and just say that they are looking for a hook up because that saves everyone plenty of time and energy! It’s also bullshit that he talked about getting a motel room and taking the kids swimming when he probably had no intention of doing that. I am just so glad that I didn’t tell my kid about it because most of the time, shit just doesn’t happen. I also don’t want my kid around someone until I am ready for that because otherwise we’d hang out and then she would be asking about that person.

It’s crazy that this guy started out super sweet, polite, respectful and acted like he totally understood about me being a single Mom and talked about how he just wanted to show me love and loyalty and then the very next day his text were few and far between, said he was going to call and never did and then his text were more like a business transaction so he couldn’t even keep up the good guy act for more than a day. I really wanted to ask what changed but I feel that we’re all adults and should be able to communicate in an effective manner. He also talked about us getting rid of Facebook dating since we had started talking so I did and then looked yesterday and he was still on there.

I’m just sick of trying to put myself out there and it just ends up like shit every time and that’s why I don’t put forth much effort and there’s always months that go by before I try again. It’s so much easier to stay closed off because men are just selfish by nature and run on their own agendas. It’s pretty much bullshit that a guy can’t even keep up the sweet caring act for more than one day. Well to me, that’s a really good indicator to fucking RUN! The mask tends to come off quicker when they are just trying to get laid. It’s sad how many men are like this and end up missing out on really good women because all they do is think with their lower region.

He acted like he totally understood that my daughter comes first but wanted us to come spend the night with him?! My daughter and I don’t sleep anywhere but home and I can promise she isn’t going to sleep at someone’s house and I could imagine this guy still trying to get some even if I was uncomfortable. I was also too worried about how what could happen if I said no? Would the guy have gotten crazy, even with my child there? Like there’s just too many things that could go wrong and it would have been my fault because I put us in that predicament. No thank you!!

I also blocked SD’s brother. He’s in town and messaged me super late the other night and even though I gave an excuse, he started getting like pushy about us hanging out so I decided to block him. I just don’t need the bullshit nor am I going to do anything that’s going to make things worse for my child. I know things are as bad as they can be but I refuse to add to it. I’m just really sick of selfish ass men that can’t think past their own needs.

After talking to my doctor and then my counselor this morning, I have realized the affect everything has had on me. I have really struggled with my mental health for a long time and now I just feel like I don’t have anything to give after being a Mom. I worked so hard for so long and really walked away from that job with nothing. I really thought I had a good handle on my mental stuff but every day I feel like I’m sinking deeper and deeper. I told my counselor how I’m just a robot and how everyone just expects me to be a robot and she said no, she’s not going to let me go down that road but it’s true.

I’m alone a lot and they say being lonely is worse than chain smoking . I feel like I just can’t climb out of my mental funk and never having anyone to lean on for emotional support, it’s hard.

Life is hard anyway but it’s a lot harder when you never really have anyone to talk to. I am glad that things ended abruptly with that guy before I told him anything personal. I still find it odd that he changed faces so fast but I’m glad that I wasn’t desperate or lonely enough to waste any more time. It’s absolutely scary how men don’t ever take your safety or comfort level into consideration. I also wonder how many single Mom’s bring their kids around strange men hoping to make a connection.

I was telling my counselor today about how when I was young I put myself in really unsafe situations out of loneliness and because I didn’t know how to say no. I won’t make those same mistakes now as a single Mom. I also talk about how I don’t have anyone I feel safe with. It takes a toll when you are always in fight or flight mode.