PT. in Since OD is shutting down....

I went to physical therapy this morning. I don’t have any more appointments scheduled and don’t plan on any more. I literally can’t stand the people that work there and I HATE their massages. It’s painful and makes me want to start screaming. I just hope they don’t call and I can just be done with it.

I have a dr appointment this afternoon and then counseling in the morning. I usually hate going to appointments and just so glad when they are over with.

So my dude and I talked for awhile yesterday before I picked up my kid. He never did call back but text quite a bit. He was supposed to call this morning on his break and didn’t. I really think he’s not as into it as he portrays and I highly doubt this is going to go very far. He wants to get a room Friday night and we take my kid and his nieces and nephews swimming but we’ll see if it actually happens. I didn’t say anything to my daughter because generally stuff like this doesn’t work out and I don’t want her to be upset.

I just wish things were easier. It sucks to never be able to really count on things happening and I really believe this world is going to hell. I haven’t heard from him much today and he was supposed to call on his break and never did. I definitely feel that the energy has shifted. I jokingly asked if he still liked me where he responded with, “yeah” and I didn’t respond. My biggest thing is I like things to end as quickly as they started because then no one invested much and I don’t want to have to explain to my kid when people bounce.

I like to turn every negative into a positive and with this, it lets me know that it is absolutely possible for me to find a guy that can treat me with respect and that I’m not as dead inside as I originally thought. I’m a tough girl and can handle whatever life throws at me. I honestly plan to see if there’s any effort once he’s off work and go from there. If there’s really no effort made, I’m going to give up and just let it be. I’m not one to ask someone why they aren’t as responsive or receptive, I just quietly exit. I won’t let anyone get a negative drama filled reaction out of me ever again, life is just too fucking short.

There’s women on TIk Tok every day filming themselves get cheated on and then tear up the house, flatten tires, just completely lose their minds and by doing that, you are just letting that person know how much they hurt you. I’d rather just go away and keep them guessing. I feel like just no reacting is better because then they will always sit there and wonder how much you actually cared because you didn’t act stupid. After everything I’ve been through, I will never again let someone see the hurt they’ve caused me. I think that when you cost them money and aggravation it makes it easier for them to not care what they’ve done.

I remember when before my ex died, he told me how he got depressed when I wasn’t around. That bothered me a whole lot because I don’t want to be responsible for someone else’s happiness nor do I want someone to be responsible for mine. I think it’s okay to want someone to bring you happiness but I feel that’s something you need to have on the inside. I’m comfortable being alone for so many reasons and I would just hate to give my heart to someone and think they are going to be around for a long time and then they bail. I think the guy I’ve been talking to is probably talking to other people and I’m sure within the next day or 2, I’ll see that he’s in a relationship on Facebook. Which means he’s probably been talking to people this entire time anyways.

So, I’m going to wait and see what effort he makes when he gets off work and if there’s none, I’ll be blocking him on Facebook and from my phone. I just don’t even know if I’m into it because honestly, I have a lot I need to work on without the distraction of another person and I just don’t want to invest time and energy into someone that’s probably not going to even be a thought by this time next week. The energy is already off and I’m going to not make any more effort on my end because it’s just not worth it.

I’m going to my appointment here in a few minutes and then probably get my kid after so I don’t have to go out again. I kinda think part of why he’s not putting forth a lot of effort is because he’s asked me to come over to his place and I’m just really big on meeting in public, at least the first time so I can get a vibe for someone because it’s just a lot more awkward at someone’s house and I want to be able to dip out when I feel like it which to me is just easier in a public place. I understand he’s ‘lonely’ and everything I’m huge on being comfortable and safe.