Good day. in Since OD is shutting down....

It’s sunny today and the snow is melting but it’s super windy. I’m grateful for the sunshine though. We got up, did breakfast, took showers and then ran a couple of errands. We went and got adjusted, grabbed a couple of things from the store and then got some free drinks at a new coffee shop that’s opening so that was nice.

My daughter is taking a nap. I am pretty big on her napping on Saturdays because I know she’s tired from the week and we just overall have a better weekend when there’s a nap. She stays up all day Sunday and then goes to bed early because she has school Monday morning.

I’ve gotten dishes done and straightened up the house. I’ve been thinking a lot about us making that trip next month but I realize that the reason why I’m not going is because I’ve been made to feel not only uncomfortable but unsafe. I can’t make that feeling go away. I felt like I couldn’t protect us and I know that my friend would go out of his way to make things miserable again just like he’s done every time we’ve come to visit.

I just don’t know what the hell goes through his head and why he’ll create complete and utter chaos and then play the victim card. Overall he’s a pretty sane person but he’s got a lot of issues that he needs to deal with. I’m not going to put myself around this person again and I can’t be made to feel like I have so many times before. I just can’t stand certain people who act like they have to create problems when there wasn’t any because things are going just too good. I remember when he created all the problems the last time and I was listening to her end of the conversation and I could tell he was sitting there acting like I was the problem and he had done nothing wrong. That victim card is a huge trigger for me.

I also can’t stand it when people feel the need to try and hold me hostage is some kinda way, especially when I’m about 7 hours from home. I will never understand how he thought that was okay or him calling me every name in the book in front of my child was completely acceptable. Things just get completely out of hand and I will never put us in that position again and I’m not even willing to consider it!

Some people are just really good examples of what I don’t want to be or have my child around. I know that being around him ever again would just make me super anxious and I would just sit there waiting for him to start acting crazy so I could get us out of there. My trust is completely gone. I told my other friend the other day that I thought I was over what happened but I definitely realize that I’m not because there’s just been too much crap over the years with him and every time I’ve visited that I can’t just let go of the past.

One of my biggest thoughts with this is we’ve always done this dance of him be completely shitty to me and then we don’t talk for a really long time until I bridge the gap or he’s creating problems. I would see moving down there being a constant battle of him treating me like shit and then us not talking. I also don’t want to worry about who would help me out with my child if it was needed. I don’t want to have to rely on anyone because everyone has shown me that they will not help.

I’m just pissed that I ended up at that girl’s house to begin with. I never wanted to stay over there but I had to get away from him because I know that I wouldn’t have been able to keep my composure for too long and would have blown the fuck up. I don’t blame him for her behavior, but I do blame him for me having to be at her place. I just don’t know what goes through his head and starts problems but like, it wasn’t enough to control me physically, but he wanted to control me mentally as well. That’s absolutely nuts. That whole thing was nothing short of a living nightmare and I can’t risk any more crap like that.

I don’t have a lot of people I feel comfortable with and that bothers me a whole lot. I also go there to get away from my stress here and then to just end up hating them and glad to come back. I’m just pissed that not only was I made to feel uncomfortable, but downright unsafe and like I couldn’t protect my child. I just know if we went there again, I would just be on edge the whole time waiting for him to start his shit so I can make a quick exit. People that can treat you and your child like garbage aren’t your friends or people that you need to surround yourself with.