Thursday. in Since OD is shutting down....

So it snowed quite a bit overnight and it finally stopped about an hour ago. The roads aren’t too bad because it’s starting to warm up so it’s melting. It was scary taking my kid to school because we have to go down a big hill and I was sliding. I’m so glad we got there safely and she doesn’t have her after school program today or tomorrow I get to have her longer today and then tomorrow starts the weekend.

I just got back from counseling and we discussed more about college and for me to do like assessments online to see what kind of jobs I haven’t even thought of. There’s also an app I’ve downloaded where I could read a lot of free books and I’m really interested in the ones about self help. I’m always about looking for ways to improve on my own stuff and I know there’s a lot that I have to work on.

We also discussed my job program and she mentioned maybe I could do like a side hustle instead and it would be more productive and stimulating then sitting in a room 20 hours a week. I know that I just can’t do it anymore and it honestly makes me really depressed and it’s hard to just sit when I’m in pain. I also don’t have the attention span to just sit and pretend like I’m doing stuff. I understand their point of view and want to make sure the Mom’s have accountability but my argument is I waited a year and a half without receiving CS and there’s plenty owed so I’m basically ‘earning’ money that’s already owed to my daughter and myself.

I just think it’s bullshit that there’s always more accountability for the custodial parent and even just me getting her ready and taking her to school is more than he’s ever done. It just makes me furious having to sit in a room with a bunch of fucking people I don’t like to earn a little bit of money which isn’t really much to help with even household essentials when it’s already fucking owed to us and I have to give up my free time away from my kid where I could be going to the gym and just focusing on getting myself in a better spot physically instead of sitting in a room questioning why the fuck I have to be there to begin with.

This is just me venting. There’s just so many things that are completely ridiculous about having a child with the wrong person. My accountability is right where it should be. My daughter is still owed thousands of dollars and I’m supposed to give up what limited free time I have to go sit and be bored out of my damn mind?! Everyone talks about how you need to take time for yourself and do things you enjoy while you are kid free but ya can’t in situations like this. I spent the whole summer entertaining my child with no break and even now 6 months into the school year, I’m still struggling to even take a shower because I am to spend all my time sitting in a room.

Since I’ve been a Mom, I have always fought to have time for myself and I take me time very seriously. I care more about being able to just sit down and watch tv with coffee and just be able to recharge my batteries more than i care about going out or whatever. I think it’s bullshit that we are to give up what little time we have while our kids are gone at school or daycare to get a little paycheck! It’s not like you are getting a good amount of money. You are just wasting your time.

There’s also a couple of things about the program that really bother me. There’s a girl that’s been there a year and the one bitchy caseworker told me that if someone is just sitting there stale for more than a couple of months, she puts them in a work program so my question is why the fuck is that one chick still there?!? I was there the other day when one of them told her how she’s going to be really sad once she gets a job and I find that statement really unacceptable because that’s just encouraging her to never get a job and continue to be a drain on the welfare system!! I also noticed how they all gossip about the clients and that rubs me the wrong way because it makes me wonder what they say about me when I’m not there.

There’s also no one to talk about any of this issues and I don’t care to keep surrounding myself with a toxic place. I have enough to deal with on the daily that I don’t need extra shit to stress me out. I don’t like their gossip, I don’t like how they all play favorites, and I also don’t like having to pretend to like everyone and there’s plenty of times where I’m just sitting there not talking and they act like that’s weird or something. Well, I have days where I just don’t feel like saying anything. I’m in my own head thinking about other shit.

I’m angry that I have been put in this position because I was left to parent by myself and I don’t think it’s fair that I am to give up my free time for a little bit of money every month. I just feel that sitting there is counterproductive when I could focus on my appointments and getting myself in a good place physically so that I can get a job and be just fine. I also don’t want to be like that one girl that would rather fucking sit there than get a job because it’s something that really could become a security blanket and make it harder to want to work when you could just sit there. A job would definitely provide you with more income but I also see why girls would rather be there than put forth the effort to be working. I don’t want to end up in that mindset.

I haven’t gotten a text from my caseworker yet but I plan to drop the ball that I’m not coming back. I have expressed to her that I don’t feel like it’s helping to sit there because I have gotten everything done that is required of me. I also have done my resume and found childcare for the Summer so I’m not sure why I need to devote my free time to being there. I’d honestly rather be at home where I can clean, shower, be able to just worry about my appointments and rest afterwards and possibly get some time to just relax.

It stresses me out being there and I get annoyed that there’s so much that I need to do but I’m stuck there. I just don’t think it’s for me and I feel the longer I’m there, the less likely I will get a job. There was another girl when I first started that said she had filed for disability and I never saw her again so I’m questioning why the hell I have to be there as well. I think I got one of the worst case managers and there’s more compassion for others than myself. They definitely play favorites there and that’s not something I’m going to keep dealing with.

A lot of this has to do with my own anger and resentment. I just think it’s bullshit that I have to give up my free time if I want a little paycheck where as her SD gets to sit around and do nothing. I’m also pissed that being there is stressful, annoying, and super boring but have to deal with it while he does jack shit.

It is a work program which I completely understand. I also know that I have filed for disability so it doesn’t make sense for me to sit there and take up a computer when they know I’m not looking for a job. I just don’t see the point in wasting my time being there because I can say I’m not getting anything out of it. All I do is just sit and play on my phone and wait for it to be time for me to leave. I also think it’s bullshit that the girl that’s been there a year has learned how to play the system and that’s why she only has to be there 3 days a week. I have tried to say I’d like to only be there 3 days a week and do stuff at home but it got me nowhere.

I’d rather be at home where I can clean, shower, and honestly all of my appointments are physically or mentally draining and afterwards, I want to just come home and lay down. I get up super early every morning, get my daughter ready and dropped off at school and that alone tires me out pretty quick because my back pain is crippling and I’m never able to eat breakfast and shower in the same morning because I have to be there right after she is at school so I just sit there gross all day. Thinking about how much cleaning I need to do when I get back and do laundry. I’m also sick of never having time to meal prep because that would save me time in the morning with breakfast.

I would rather just get through my appointments and injections and be in a really good place to find a job and be successful in holding down employment. I just feel that being there is detrimental to me working because the longer you sit in that room, the less likely you are going to get a job because it’s no effort but you get a paycheck. I have watched plenty of women since I’ve been there and I can tell they have absolutely no plans to get a job or ever work. Then, a lot of them just keep having kids to push back the idea of ever working. There’s some that use this program for the right reasons and then there’s others that are just milking it. I don’t want to be one of them.

It’s frustrating being in the spot I’m in but I don’t want to do anything that’s going to make it even easier to not work and by being in this program, I feel that’s what’s going to happen. I haven’t heard from my caseworker but the next time I do, I’m going to tell her all of these things. I honestly wish I would have never signed up for it in the first place but now that I know what it’s about, I am okay with being done.

I thought a couple of weeks ago that I was going to stick it out for another couple of months but I mentally can’t handle it. The boredom alone is maddening. You just sit there in your own thoughts for way too long.