Wednesday. in Since OD is shutting down....

I just got back from PT. It went well, I’m able to stand a little longer without discomfort but I’m still miserable thinking Monday can’t come soon enough. I’m going to be so glad to get that done and not be in pain all the damn time anymore.

My friend called this morning and she asked if I told my other friend that I’m not coming and I said no. It hasn’t been brought up. I was telling her that I’d like to be honest but he wouldn’t be able to handle that because he’s never wrong so she’s helped me come up with plenty of reasons why I won’t be moving there. I just think it would be better to wait until my daughter is older where she could be home alone if needed because I just can’t risk anything where I’d need someone to watch her and know there’s no one.

It just sucks that he’s pulled so much shit on me because it’s made my decision to move there a lot harder. I just know that I’d get down there and there would either be a massive falling out and we never speak again or worry that what happened the last time we were there would be a regular thing. Someone cursing me out and calling me every dirty name in the book in front of my kid will not be tolerated. I am still upset about it and this happened almost a year ago. I thought I was over it but I can’t forget how all of this made me feel and I refuse to put myself in a position where it could happen again in front of my child.

He was completely in the wrong by trying to hold me hostage there and then told everyone I was just being drama when I felt I handled it all very well. I definitely handled it better than I would have 10 years ago. Again, I get mad when people act like I need to just accept their behavior but then freak when I actually stand up for myself. He was all wrong for everything he did and still acted as if it was all my fault. I even told my other friend this morning that if I had caused all of it, I would have deserved to be talked to the way he talked to me but I didn’t. The only thing I did wrong was go there to begin with.

I also think it’s crap that he expected me to just come back to his place and act like everything was fine. It’s like it wasn’t enough to hold me hostage physically, but he wanted to hold me hostage emotionally too. I know that I wouldn’t have been able to just hold my tongue and things would have gotten even worse. I’m just glad I was able to get my money and be planning to make my exit before his friend went nuts on me. It was so scary how she switched up on me like she did and I know I’ll never put up with that again either. I understand people get mad but once they get scary and make me feel unsafe, I’ll never be around them again.

The weather is really starting to get me to me. I hate when it’s cold, dark, snowy and just overall ugly outside. It really has an effect on me. I can’t wait until Spring gets here and we can actually be outside doing stuff. I just feel so much happier and wanting to tackle the day when the weather is nice. It’s been snowing and dark all week and it’s making me feel really depressed. I hate winter time here because it’s never ending. I know we are probably in for at least another couple of blizzards too.

I’ve showered and ate lunch. I don’t know what to make for dinner. I’m excited to get some groceries on Friday for the weekend. I should sit down and make a shopping list. I am unsure of what to feed my kid when she gets home. It’s still hard trying to come up with ideas as she can be kinda picky. I hate that she only likes mainly pizza, chicken nuggets and microwave stuff. It’s difficult trying to get her to eat home cooked meals. I try to get her to eat veggies and she refuses.

Not sure what I’m going to do about my job program. I haven’t been there all week because I’ve been in too much pain and I also would rather just focus on my PT, counseling, getting adjusted and doing what I need to do so I’m in a better place to get a job. I feel that it’s counterproductive sitting in there. I also can’t stand the people that are in there. One of the women who work in there gives me shitty vibes where she’s just a total bitch but likes when you pretend to like her. It reminds me of one of the managers I had at my last job where as long as you act like you think they’re God, you are not a target. I also can’t stand how this one chick is always talking. She literally never shuts up and it drives me up the fucking wall and you can’t get a word in edge wise. I truly think she likes the sound of her own voice.

One of the main things I’ve always struggled with is no matter how hard I try, or how hard I work, or how much I take and don’t react that it doesn’t make anything better. I’m just sick of putting my ail into jobs or relationships and I get nothing but headache in return.