Lost Boy in Current Events

It was a struggle to leave my bed yesterday. I felt like I had no reason to. I didn’t have the energy to do anything either. I could have done plenty of more productive things but I didn’t have it in me to do anything. I kept myself radically distracted by my phone. Now I feel some type of way about it even though I gave myself permission to be this way.

When things shift in my life my mind has to grieve whatever I left behind. I made the hard decision to drop that physics class and now I am not in school. I was so proud of myself for being back in school. I just have to wait until September for the next semester. There is plenty of opportunity to find something else to do with all of this free time that I have. I am only being scheduled twice a week. I do pick up shifts but I didn’t pick up anything last week. I was scheduled for a six-day weekend and I wanted it.

The weekend started on Wednesday, the same day as my first physics test which feels like a million years ago. I was going to study the whole day and then spend the rest of the five days studying the new material. I just wasn’t hacking it so I decided to quit. It was a heavy blow to my confidence and self-esteem but the stress wasn’t worth it. I didn’t need the class, I just wanted to take something while I waited for the course I do need which doesn’t start until September.

Now I have to go through all of the stages of grief until I finally get to acceptance. There are far more destructive ways of handling that process. It is a symptom and I could suppress it by self-medicating. I like to think that I have a stronger character than that. We are not hurting when we get drunk, high, hook up, have that affair, make that purchase, eat junk food, binge eat, starve, over-exercise, etc. I got to let myself hurt so I can process it.

I feel that I have come close enough to accept that I had tried something and then failed at it. That is my story and I have to own it so I can change it. I failed at something. I need to move on with my life now. I need to restructure and I need to create new goals. There is plenty of opportunity here. I have god-like potential. The young adults, who are still kids, that are graduating today are the luckiest people alive and I share a lot of their luck. I do not have kids, spouses, in-laws, mortgages, litigations, massive amounts of debt, etc. Nothing is holding me back. I can take the big risks.

I know what my passions are. I know what makes me feel alive inside and I can create a side gig for myself by just talking about them on the socials. It’s how I can add value to others. It can, at the very least, just be a hobby if not a side hustle. It’s just the whole putting myself out there that makes me feel… uneasy. Authentic people are despised and hated. Not that I want to be so forward as to call myself that. I have self-awareness and I can see what my character looks like from the outside. I’m not palatable for people who serve their egos. They are demonic and I will be under constant attack by them. That is the drawback but I’m a grown-ass adult so I think I can handle it.

I barely know where to get started. I woke up on Friday ambitious about it. My mind was just full of ideas. I felt excited and alive. I had a million things to do around the apartment, however. So I didn’t get started on it. My roommate doesn’t work weekends either and so I can’t do or enjoy anything when she is around. I just don’t thrive unless I am alone. She doesn’t do anything to ruin my weekends, I just hate having to be mindful of someone else. I have plenty of time this weekend. Today even. I am just trying to gas myself up here, I think?

I have the whole day to do whatever I want, really. I don’t want to waste it by laying in bed all day. I need goals and structure, as I said. I don’t have anything right now. I can create some goals and structure today. Now that things are wide open until September.

I did discover that I was growing a passion for math. I’m just not that good at it. It’s the language that I am drawn to. It’s communicative. I’ve always regretted that I let my guidance counsellor in high school, over twenty years ago, talk me out of taking calculus. When I decided to go back I chose to start with applied math. I have a consumer math credit from a million years ago but I figured that I would need stronger math skills if I am to get into holistic medicine. The plan was to do the math class and then do the chemistry and then start looking into post-secondary. I had a mini meltdown at the beginning of that class but pulled myself together and passed it. It was a shock to my system because I felt out of touch. I also didn’t take grade 11 applied math so I decided that I would start with grade 11 chemistry because I want to be fucking good at it. I had this current semester of nothing to do and I didn’t want to take a break. The grade 12 physics class opened up out of nowhere, it wasn’t offered anywhere for adult learning so I signed up. I spoke to the teacher first and he told me that it would be a slow intro at first which it wasn’t. He isn’t a great teacher, which sounds mean to say. I was learning everything from the internet because he was all over the place.

The website I used to teach me the exact same material as the one my physics teacher was teaching, has everything. I was thinking of doing crash courses during this free time on everything math, then on physics. If not everything. I was not math intuitive for the physics class. That was my problem. Some equations were simple enough but they got complicated pretty quickly and I just get lost. I have to make so many of my own decisions and that is when I get my answers wrong. I need lots of practice and there is a lot of resources for that. When I sign up for chemistry in September I am gunning to take this physics class again. It is unfinished business. I had a lot working against me when I started it. It’s been almost twenty years since I was in school. I didn’t take grade 11 physics. I was out of touch with a lot of the math. I have time to get math intuitive.

Blah, whatever. I should move on with my day. I feel so much better than I did yesterday. I had a couple of glasses of wine when I visited my sister on Saturday and I know that contributed to my low energy yesterday.