Back hurts. in Since OD is shutting down....

My back is just killing me today. It’s always worse in the morning but today, it’s just not quitting. I’ve still mopped the kitchen, did the dishes, made breakfast, sprayed and wiped down the counters and just straightened everything up. My daughter went over to my brother’s house last night and said the kids weren’t being super nice but still wants to see his kid today. My Mom text him but he hasn’t answered. He probably won’t. It’s Sunday and they usually don’t do much because tomorrow is the start of the week.

I told my daughter we probably won’t see her today and that’s alright. I won’t mind just staying in and resting because our week starts up again in the morning. I have PT and then I have to go to my job program. I get my injections on Monday next week and I couldn’t be more excited. I honestly feel like I’m going to be a different person not being in pain all the time. I think once I feel better physically, my mental health is going to soar. I can’t wait.

I’m still thinking about going back to school and getting a job. I just want to see how better I feel once I get my injections and then make a decision because July is going to be here before I know it and I have to have a fucking plan. I am so sick of sitting in that room and I’ve only been there for 2 months. It’s just incredibly boring and I have done everything I need to do. I made a resume, I’ve found childcare for the Summer and now it’s just waiting on my injections.

Finding a job isn’t an easy task because I can only work when my daughter is in school and if I make too much, I won’t have healthcare. It’s a hard decision because my back problems aren’t ever going to go away and I have to be able to pay to get injections or plan on being in pain. I’ve even thought about just getting a job and quitting once I have to have them again because the injections can last up to 2 years.

Everything would be so much easier if I had someone to help me raise my daughter. I really resent her SD because it’s crazy hard out here knowing I can’t rely on him, never have. I know that he probably hopes deep down that I’m going to end up begging him to be involved but I haven’t yet and don’t plan to. We are doing okay and we will continue being okay. It’s hard and someday I just want to find him and rock his shit but it wouldn’t change anything.

I’m sure he knows by now that he won’t be getting his taxes. How does he think I feel when he doesn’t pay anything for years at a time?! Who does he think takes care of her?!?! He’s always said how he’s just a ‘paycheck’ and it’s like yeah well I’m the paycheck whether you help or not Mf!! I just don’t get these men that don’t think they should have to contribute anything to there children but then get mad when it’s forced!!!

So, his brother is supposed to be here in a couple of days and I’m worried he’s going to show up at my doorstep without warning. I just hope we aren’t home or I just won’t answer the door. I am not going to risk him trying to stay at my house or having to give him a ride or something. I’ve dealt with this type of shit before and now I just feel like I’m too fucking old for it. I remember how the guy treated me back when and I’ll never forget. I hung out with him once and then I was at work one night where he blew up my phone and made me think he wanted to hang out so I get home in a hurry just for him to come snoop through my kitchen and take whatever he wanted. I remember how uncomfortable I was and I refuse to ever have people like that in my life again.

I honestly feel like sometimes people either splash down from a different planet or were raised by fucking wolves! I could never imagine doing the shit to people that they’ve done to me. I couldn’t imagine just walking into someone’s house and start going through their fridge! Then loading up their sodas and water in a bag! Like I just feel like I’ve been super vulnerable to this because I have always lived alone so people take advantage!

Sometimes I just feel like I attract the worst people. I also get angry that I’m vulnerable to terrible people because I don’t have anyone to advocate for me. I am also really sick of people shitting on me and then hoping if enough times passes that I’ll just forget about their behavior. I know I don’t like this guy nor do I care to see him while he’s here so hopefully if he does come, I won’t hear from him. I also feel unsafe when I’m told people are just going to stop by. Uh no, respect goes a long way.

But yeah, I took a shower and pulled out my ingrown toenails. The last time I had one, my doctor put me on antibiotics which did nothing and I was fine once I pulled it out myself. I get that he really couldn’t see it but I struggled to walk so this time I’m not going to the dr, I just took care of it myself. Neither was super deep but I worry about them becoming infected. Hopefully not but I already feel relief.

I have been thinking about moving and as much as I want to, I realize that it would probably be better to wait until my kid is older and would be able to stay home by herself. I just can’t risk moving somewhere hours from what little help I do have and taking the risk that my friend and I could have a falling out and then there’s no help. If I didn’t have health issues, it would be a easier decision and if my friend wouldn’t have pulled the shit on me that he has, I probably would have moved there a year ago.

It’s just hard because as much as I want to get the fuck out of here, I have to think about times where I do need help with either my child, or if I have to get injections again down the road and I need someone to drive me and I don’t want to be in a situation where I have NO HELP and there would be no one to blame but myself. My friend has shown me time and time again that he has no more regard for my child than he does for me and I just can’t imagine living hours from what little help I do have and then possibly ending up with none. It’s also really difficult to find housing there and even if I wanted to come back, there’s no where to live here.

I’m still thinking about how him and his friend acted when we were there at the end of May and it’s something I’ll take with me for the rest of my life. Things had gotten completely out of control and neither cared about their behavior in front of my kid much less there own. I just can’t let it go to the extent that we move there and risk shit like that happening again. My other friend is still encouraging me to saying I’ll meet other people and blah blah blah but it takes time to meet and maintain a relationship with people and develop a level of trust as well.

It was just surreal how they acted. I never thought I would feel threatened enough to drive home in the middle of the night just to get away from them. I will never forget how his friend just started going off on me and you could tell she was becoming more and more irate as the minutes passed and even followed me into her house and stood by me talking shit as I picked up our clothes and towels. I grabbed my water bottle off her porch and then went to my car where I had opened the door and told my kid we were going to Walmart and that we were coming back because she asked if her daughter could come and I just said what I needed to so that she’d get in the car so we could leave without incident.

I’m angry that these people treated my daughter and myself like they did and I’m just scared that we could move there and all of this be a regular thing. I don’t want my daughter in the middle of conflict and I won’t stand for it again. I told my other friend all this the other day how I feel I’m usually pretty good at letting the past be the past but with this I can’t just let it go and she said it’s because my daughter was there and heard all of this shit go down.

I think the worst part is I never got an apology and I don’t expect one but I think since this is just another thing that happened in our relationship that we never hashed out that I’m sending the message that it’s okay that there was no accountability. I also think that the only reason him and I are still friends is because we live hundreds of miles apart. I’ve had enough problems with him that I just feel it would be foolish to live in the same city.

There’s also plenty that I need to figure out here. I need to lose weight and seriously start working on myself. I feel like I need to figure out life here first before I’d be successful in trying to go somewhere else, especially when it could be just a big dumpster fire.

I know that I have put up with too much shit but the fact that my daughter was right there to go through it with me is something that’s going to stick with me forever. Anything I sign myself up for, my daughter is the one to be affected by it the most and I know in this moment I’m not going back down there. I just can’t risk our safety and my sanity trying to be around him and worry about us ending up hurt or worse. There’s just too much shit that’s happened the whole time we’ve been friends and I just don’t think we need to live in the same city. It would be nothing but problems.

Judging from the crap that has already happened, I just know the future wouldn’t be any different. I also know that I wouldn’t have any more help there than I do here. I just would hate to get there and realize even a week in that I mad a terrible mistake. I’m just seriously sick of dealing with people who refuse to take any accountability and would rather lose a friend that admit to being wrong.

He just has a lot of issues with control and this intense need for people to be at his mercy. I remember him wanting me to be on his phone plan and I questioned that and told him I pay about $30/month so I don’t need to be on a plan with anyone. He just wants people who are going to end up paying more than there share so he doesn’t have to pay anything. That girl that went crazy on me said that she was on his plan and he was able to track her location and read her messages!!

I’m an adult and I’m entitled to my privacy! What goes on when it comes to my phone is no one’s business but my own!! I won’t ever be on a plan as I have a very affordable plan that I’m very happy with and I’m not going to be in a situation where I have to worry about what someone else could see. I think he just takes things too damn far. I remember when that girl got a bank account on his and he could see every single transaction she made and he would even call her and ask why she spent so much money on fast food for her kids!

I think he’s someone who definitely looks for a certain personality type when choosing friends and roommates and picks people who are more laid back and tolerant where he doesn’t have to worry about them becoming confrontational. I also think he’s always looking for an oppurtunity to control people and use them for whatever money he can.

It’s also crazy that he was having his rent paid for almost 3 years and still making the roommates pay him rent, which he was pocketing!! Completely double dipping and just looking out for himself while he sat around smoking weed and just being a lazy piece of shit!! It’s like whenever I talk to him and he says how some bitches have jobs, uh okay and you didn’t work for how long and had zero excuse! I’m over here with no reliable childcare and health problems so fuck you!!