The Throw Away Child (scapegoat) in Personal Journey Writes

The Throw Away Child (scapegoat)

(I.rough draft ~ not proof read II. this is being shared with a selective group only becuz I prefer to not hurt some people's feelings and frankly I do not trust a few either

III. Please approach this and read as the mature understanding adult I know you have the ability to be ~ thank you.

IV. I wrote this first as a way to get some things out and to assess where I am now as I prepare to embark on the next phase of my Journey)

She was a bright eyed little girl with so much life yet she was tossed aside repeatedly. It is a wonder she even had a clue what love was let alone how to love other humans. Yet somehow she did.

What if every thing you did was closely scrutinized by the one person who was supposed to love you and guide you. What if all the BAD things you did were remembered and repeated from a twisted perception of a mother without ever being addressed with you and allowing you to gain good guidance on how to correct behaviors? What if those bad things were piled up in a nice pile to be held up to everyone who would listen not for one year but every year of the rest of your life? How do you think you would turn out? What if all the wonderful things you ever did were never ever celebrated by those loved ones!! What if the good things you did were ignored or downplayed or turned into things done for different intentions than the intentions you actually had inside yourself?

What if every good thing you did was discounted or not even considered and tossed away? What if all your accomplishments were ignored by the people who supposedly were the ones closest to you and supposedly loved you? Do you think you would know how to love? Would you be able to even wrap your head around forgiveness? Would you have any self confidence? Any self esteem? Would you feel good about yourself and share the goodness with everyone else?

You want to know what a scapegoat is ~ it is someone that others' use so they can refuse their own flaws/problems/mistakes. The scapegoat is the one who is left confused and wondering what the heck is going on. The scapegoat can only escape being the scapegoat by choosing suicide or distancing from those who repeatedly do such over and over ad nauseam. I have tried both of which I am not proud of but own as the poor choices.

I have been accused of being needy. I have been accused of 'blowing smoke'. I have been accused of many things I did not even do becuz hey blame it on me and it makes sense. I chose not to stick up for myself so to speak numerous times when erroneous perceptions and stories twisted numerous times over were told about me. Poor choice to not stand up for myself but I will say this: What good would it have done to refute anything from those who were supposed to love me and guide me and teach me?

I know it is hard to come to a person you are talking about behind their back and address them and work through things together. Sadly that is how many a relationship ends ~ with a lack of understanding of one another ~ be it a friend or a sibling or a parent. I have lived long enuff now to have seen those cycles of life play out several times over and I am in the midst of one of those cycles yet again.

So what I have done is built my life trying to learn about love. Trying to be a person from my core that actually is GOOD and does CARE!! Am I perfect ~ nope. Am I still trying and learning ~ YES. Do I know who I am and accept ALL of me regardless of the judgments of goods and bads ~ yes becuz by embracing all of that I am then able to live more openly from my heart.

Most people do not 'aire their dirty laundry'. Sadly I looked for someone all my life to be able to hold my confidences as I tried to talk through many problems I faced ~ what I found out is there really is no one but me and my spirituality. I will ultimately have to answer to myself and any greater power there might be above (I am not interested in getting into a long dissertation on my own beliefs about spirituality).

(Now I must qualify that I do have four very very close friends that I know I can go to and share my deepest problems, hurts and struggles and so I am not totally alone. I would not wish to not acknowledge them albeit without naming names. I actually find it quite remarkable that I am able to have 4. Thank YOU!! I am deeply grateful for those wonderful friendships ~ I truly am.)

I have as many accomplishments as any other human being at my age. I do not think I am better than or worse than....I simply think I am a human working out my life as each human that comes and reads this. I may be at a slightly different juncture in my Journey than the next person but rest assured I am progressing on this Journey and not sitting down and giving up.

Sometimes I cry for myself. Sometimes I cry for others. Sometimes I cry and am not even sure why. I think it is for so many losses. Yet I also cry in Joyful times becuz my tears are my emotions freely expressed and not suppressed.

I may suck from time to time and rest assured when I do I kick myself much harder than any single person or group could ever do.

I am a human just like you. I have a heart just like you. I have potentials for good or bad or right or wrong or success or failure just like you. I am trying to learn and grow personally and spiritually hopefully just like you. AND I am willing to love YOU and LOVE myself no matter what.

What, you might say, has brought this all on ~ well I can say at least this: I have reached the next fork in the road ~ and I am about to go into major transition. So this kinda recaps for myself so I know that I CAN DO this next 'little bit'. I can and I will and I must!!

I know I will move in the next 3 years...... I know my life will again change drastically in the physical sense yet again. I know I have a lot left to give and I can do that from a wider open heart than ever before. I am sincerely grateful for this Life that has allowed me to realize not only some wonderful accomplishments but even more so how big a heart filled with love can become.

Will I make more mistakes/wrongs/bads ~ most likely yes but not deliberately. Will I have to face some hard choices and struggles ~ oh hell yes!! The fact is that I will continue to live life as vulnerable as possible at any given moment. I may suck sometimes. I may be delightfully joyful at other times. I may be compassionate and have deep empathy nine times out of ten. That tenth time may be thrown up to me over and over and over again for years and years and years. BUT rest assured that will not dayum my heart. MY heart is what lives on no matter what!! I own all of myself and my heart listens with LOVE all the time.

Life is not easy for any human being. BUT it can be a whole lot more amazing when we dare to open our hearts and TRY!! When we do not GIVE UP!! When we pick ourselves up and TRY again. MY heart sometimes has to raise its voice so I can hear it. Thank goodness I am able to eventually hear it.

I just hope that my children and grand children and any one of you that is reading this may know LOVE even more than I have been able to know LOVE. I just wish for Y'all the MOON!!

On a final note: I HAVE totally forgiven those who dayumed me for all times. THAT to me is very important to do. Will I leave myself in their line of fire repeatedly ~ nope. I can not change them. So I will change the environment that surrounds me. Do I wish them well. Of course. I am even hopefully that in their own due times they too will grow personally and spiritually. We each have our own LIFE to work out. CAN I truly LOVE everyone and every living creature ~ I sure can.... but it takes setting aside my ego and letting my Heart Win OUT!!