TRUTHFUL in The Secret Writings of Eros: Book 3- Fallout, Pain, Acceptance, and Perseverance

I honestly never thought THIS space would have a DRAFTS backlog. In fact, the very idea of this space was to have a place where.... even if I was harshly judging myself- I could still express myself. For fuck sake, on MORE than one occasion, I considered this the space where I could be “as evil” as I wanted to without restriction. Re-read what I’ve posted here with that revelation. In fact, re-read what is here versus what is Park Row Fallout and really contemplate where this fucked up mind considers EVIL if this space was the “it’s okay to be evil” space! God damned purity culture and evangelical Christianity!! AND shitty as fuck keyboard!! THIS is the space where my keyboard’s bullshit is worst of all. Because “regular me” can just type away at work when I need to. But anything like THIS I save for when I am at home. And despite previous statements to the contrary, I have not yet replaced this god damned fucking keyboard which provides a “wrong key” about 1 in every 6 keystrokes. And I have NOT replaced it yet because I, for some dumb fucking reason, want to do this house in SEGMENTS. So… everything about the computer I am currently using is from 2011. Yes, that’s right… the keyboard, the CPU, the speakers, the fucking monitor.... is ALL from when I was married. And when I was a Law Student. And when I lived in Nebraska. In fact, EVERYTHING is even pre-FROZEN CUNT. Which is to say… when my now ex-wife decided a sexual relationship with me was not only not something she wanted… but something she would actively withhold.

God. If I had just… allowed myself to be “the asshole” the first time I felt it?? THAT is why nice guys finish last. My wife, 5 months into the marriage, decided unilaterally that sex was no longer a part of our relationship. I didn’t want to be the asshole that got upset when his wife refused sex, affection, or even the words “I love you”. I thought being understanding and supportive was the better “Husband path”. WELL trying to be the supportive, understanding husband got me a DECADE of clinically defined sexlessness. And the MOMENT I stand up for myself? The marriage dissolves. The now EX-wife goes out and fucks so many guys, she gets an STI. And I? I can’t even pay for it… for some reason. I say that but the reason is obvious. Not only am I, apparently, a fat and short and unworthy sack of shit.... but it’s pretty easy to verify that I am a criminal prosecutor. So… I’m fucking hideous AND illegal prostitutes would know not to fuck with me considering my job.

So my “sex life” continues as my ex-wife DEMANDED it to. She would often say, “I don’t want to touch you. I’d prefer you get your urges resolved via porn… just… don’t include me. Don’t think about me, don’t use me in your scenarios, and CERTAINLY don’t let me catch you jerking off!”

And that may be what is most emotionally DEVESTATING to me. After almost 2 decades of trying to be loving, supporting, understanding.... of almost COMPLETE celibacy to show my wife I loved her and was willing to work with her? AFTER ALL OF THAT? I get to enjoy yet another evening/week/month/year/EPOCH of forced celibacy or ononism. Meanwhile, the woman who repeatedly told me I was worth marrying but not worth caring about or touching? She’s never gone even so much as a full SEASON without a boyfriend and sexual partner. For me… who busted his ass, who bled DAILY to make things work.... for me? It’s been over 2 years since I’ve so much as had a woman kiss me on the god damned cheek. For her? Longest she’s been without a boyfriend in her ENTIRE ADULT LIFE was 2 months.

So yeah. When feminists say “Male Privilege. Fuck you for being part of the patriarchy! MORE straight cis-white males should die alone!” I… well… give it a few years. We’ll see if my pain and self-hatred start to percolate and focus outward. Because after so many years of seeing women kill themselves to stay with the unemployed, alcoholic, violent man that beats them… all the while trying to be an ally but hearing “Fuck you for things outside of your control- by virtue of your heritage, you deserve to die in lonely agony!” Well… I’ll never truly be an incel. But when the BEST I can expect is “Fuck you, die alone, you short, fat, disgusting Cis-White Male!” Sooner or later… I’ll just go ahead and grant that request. I have very little reason not to.