Today is my Friday. in Since OD is shutting down....

Work has been going pretty decent and I'm so glad today is my Friday!!! I had to get up and go make my car payment because the car lot will be closed until Monday so I got that out of the way. I went to look for a new pair of jeans but couldn't find any. I'm not going to the gym since I don't have time and tomorrow they will be closed so I think I'll just play my game. I have eaten a lot today and I can't even describe how fat and gross I feel. I hate the way I look but don't always have the self discipline to eat right. I feel like such a failure. I guess it's just because I get in the mindset that no one wants me and I'm gonna go to bed alone again tonight so why not enjoy eating?

I've text a few guys off CL but none of them really seem to be my type or want more than just a booty call. I even had some guy invite me to come spend the night with him even before we exchanged pics which makes me believe he was just trying to get a piece which is so disrespectful and I'm just not into it. I'm not going to have sex unless it's what I want to do. I am not on birth control and have to make smart choices. I am okay without having sex because I don't want to be someone's booty call or one night stand. I'm better than that so if I can't find someone who actually wants a relationship with me, I'm keeping my legs closed.

I just don't know what to do about my eating habits. I admit, I LOVE fast food, candy, and soda. I will do good for several days and eat only healthy stuff but then I will start to crave junk and the craving won't stop until I eat candy or fast food. I know that every time I eat something I shouldn't have, it's like taking 10 steps back but I just can't seem to stop. I just wish I had more of a social life outside of work because that would give me more incentive to make the lifestyle change that I need. I am just so tired of never having any friends to hang out with outside of work and having no one to spend time with outside of my family.

Sometimes I still get super depressed and wonder what my purpose is here on Earth. I'm still very alone and don't see that changing any time soon. I see a lot of my friends getting married and having babies and look happy so I think it's possible for me to experience those things because it's happened for people around me but I can't help but wonder if it will ever happen to me. I just find weirdos, assholes and men with way more baggage than what I could handle. They always say to take a look at the guys around you and that it's possible I already have someone in my life that's worth pursuing but I don't. All the guys I work with are taken, unattractive or way too young for me.

I'm just tired of being by myself. I'm tired of sleeping alone. I'm tired of having no one to share meals with or excited to see. It's just old. Oh and that guy never emailed back so I think he's made it more than clear that he's done. Men are nature born hunters and go after what they want and because he's not coming after me, well that speaks for itself. It just sucks because when I was with him driving around in his truck holding his hand, it just felt so right. So comfortable. I could see us getting to know each other and having a great relationship but he chose to walk away. Fucking blows.

I haven't heard from my parents since Monday when they paid me back that $40. I was actually surprised that they did but that doesn't mean if I borrow them money again that I'll get it back. I don't know, it's like my parents are so about burning bridges and don't care how they treat other people at all. They are honestly the most selfish, uncaring people I've ever met in my entire life. I don't even know why they had kids. They made it seem like when we were little that we were just the most annoying things and hated that we were around. I just don't know why they have to be the way they are but I really hope my Mom gets a job and they can start paying their own way again. I know that my Mom is depressed but she does nothing about it. She sleeps/lays in bed about 20 hours a day and doesn't even attempt to look for a job.

It's extremely hot and humid today. I'm going to make sure I have a lot of ice water. I should be getting my period soon. Like today or tomorrow soon. Even though I'm not sexually active, I still panic when it's late because that could mean there's something wrong. I know a girl who's periods were never on time, sometimes wouldn't have it for months at a time and ended up having a hysterectomy because of it. I monitor my periods simply because I worry about it being late and there could be something wrong. I'm hoping my night at works goes fast and I make a good wad of cash. I'm broke and need some spending money for the weekend. I need to pay my cable bill but I'm probably only going to pay some of it for now. I would like to get a couple of new tires for my car and maybe a new cell phone with my next check but I don't know how much it's going to be considering I only got 20 hours last week.

I just really hope to find someone. Preferably before school starts because if I don't find someone by then, I won't be able to because my life will be just too busy. I know what it's like to go to school and work and it's super lonely. I just wish I could even find someone for now, just to spend some time with before my life gets crazy hectic again. I love school and work but it would be nice to have someone to come home to at night. I remember last winter being so cold and just wanting to come home and be able to cuddle with someone. Just that thought alone would make me sink into a deep depression and made it that much harder to forget about my ex. I just get so sick of being by myself. It's like some form of punishment or something.

Anyway, time to get ready for work.