13.10.13 in Your Face

I need to type up my handwritten journal entries. I normally do that on the weekend, but I never got around to it. Don't ask me why not, it's not like I had anything to do this weekend. Have had a really bad Sunday. Burst into tears of frustration over something stupid that mother did and then that was it - crying all afternoon. My brother (the one I often complain about) was very nice and suggested I get drunk (I declined) then suggested I smoke some week (I declined). We compared notes on how we both feel like life is pretty pointless right now, fist bumped and parted ways. I appreciated it.

Anyway. Tomorrow is Monday and I have an exam and then am back at work for the rest of the day. Soon enough another week will have passed and it will be another awful weekend. Doesn't matter what I try - lots of social events, no social events, half and half - I am just a wreck by the time Sunday night rolls around and I am facing the fact that I'm into another week stuck here.

Nothing from M, unless you count the one word email he sent to me in response to a photo of some cute new undies that I sent to him. "Silly" he said. Which is our stock standard response to each other for anything. Sort of an acknowledgement that he received the picture. Nothing else.

I'm posing some difficult questions to myself over this whole situation. Being let down when I relied on him and wanting to vow never to put myself in a position where I have to rely on someone else. Wondering why he isn't responding to my emails where I say that I really need him because I'm hitting bottom. He doesn't answer my phone calls because he is worried about running his bill up. I haven't heard his voice since 3 August, when I called him to confirm that he had collected the dog from the airport. Wondering what the hell is wrong with him. We didn't have an argument, nothing. Why did he just switch off?

I am not at all concerned about infidelity. I am sure the thought has crossed some readers' minds, but that is not a factor here. He has fallen into this silence twice before when we have been in different countries, but that was following an argument.

Until I actually hear from him and get some answers, I don't know what to think. I can't process this and get past it because I don't know what it is that I am meant to process. What is going through his mind that he needs to retreat into his shell?

Communication is the key to a good relationship, and I'm just not getting it at a crucial time.

Most of you won't understand any of this. But being apart like this puts a huge toll on any relationship, and we're now entering our 16th month of (combined) time spent in different countries over a relationship that is only 5 years old.