Stable in Ultimate Randomness

I am long overdue for an entry. If anyone is wondering why I haven't been writing so much, the title says it all. I have reached a level of emotional stability. That's not to say it is necessarily a good thing. I have just settled into my new skin finally. See, I suspect if I went on serious LSD/alcoholic benders, I could probably be a pretty successful writer. I do all my best work when I am in a hyper-negative state of mind. Paranoia, fear, anger, sadness - all work well for me when it comes to writing. Lately, I keep thinking to myself that I want to write about something that happens here or there, but I never seem to get around to it. Either it is too late at night or it is too early, or I don't have time, etc.

Anyhow, as I said, I have settled into my new personality, which is actually alot like my personality before the last few months of high school. Sadly, it is pretty much what I figured would happen. I am a little bitter, alot pessimistic, and pretty much want to be by myself all the time. Every now and then, someone will invite me to go out, like my SIL or my ex's friend just last Wednesday, but I just claim weariness from the work week and stay in my room, watching TV or something. I have yet to move out, but I have done a fairly good job of isolating myself. At this point, I know I am not going back to school in the fall, and I am not really sure if I will ever have it in me again to go back. The drive just isn't there and in every case where that has happened, I fail. So it would be pointless to go back anytime soon. I need to start looking for a full time job to replace the delivery job because I am very close to smacking most of my coworkers in the head. I am just really done with that place. I still like working at the cafe, but even that has it's stress now, which I will explain shortly. When I do move out, I am pretty sure I am going to do everything I can to live by myself. It's not that I don't love my dad, but like I know I have said in the past, I just don't really want to adjust myself to anyone else anymore. I tried that. It failed miserably. Lastly, if all that wasn't a clue, I have pretty well made peace with the idea of being alone the rest of my life. People are too much work for what you get back. I pushed myself to work harder than I ever have these last ten years and not only have I just ended up right back where I started, I lost whatever hope and positivity I did have when I was back in high school. Back then, I felt this way alot, but I never shut off the possibility of being with someone else. Now, I have no desire to. Everywhere I look, I see relationships ending and people who advise that everyone must be for themselves first, or women who think they are supposed to get a guy who will give them everything with no expectations and bow down to what they want at all times, regardless of what us guys want. It doesn't work like that. The problem is that everyone is for themselves above all. When people put what they want and need in front of what is best for them as a couple, it is no wonder nobody stays together anymore. Even my dad, who had gotten engaged for a third time almost a year ago, has pretty much ended things with his fiancee, because both of them expected different things. So why am I going to put myself out there when I want something that is cooperative and will last the rest of my life when I don't think most people are willing to do the same? There are exceptions, and I know I read up on one of the most notable exceptions here on PB. You know who you are and are exempt from these criticisms, of course. But I just don't see it from most other people. And since I don't want to start something that is bound to end anyway, I've chosen to remove that possibility and just learn to be happy by myself. Or at least survive. I truly have only ever been happy as an adult as part of a relationship, so happiness may be a lofty goal.

Anyway, just a few more short things. Funny choice of words considering the first is my hair. It has been longish to very long for 8 years. This past Friday, I went really short. Not buzzed short, but only a couple inches left. All but one person has thought it looks really good, that being the ex. But as I told her, she gave up her right to have any opinion on how I look, so it doesn't really matter what she thinks. It's pretty much the meanest thing I have ever said to her, but I'm not sure I care much. And also, it is the first time in that long that my chin has gotten air. I have had a goatee just as long as the long hair, but that is gone too. I don't know if I will keep it this way. Probably not. Too much work to go get my hair cut that often, cause my hair grows fast. But I will get it cut short every now and then, I'm sure. And the other thing. So we had a new girl start at the cafe. She is nice enough, but it is like having an annoying little sister at times. Always wants to talk, wants me to make stuff for her cause "I make it better". Had to tag along with me to the bank the other day. And based on that and some things she has said, I am pretty sure she is interested in me. She has asked if I ever considered dating outside my race (I am white and she is black), asked if I was talking in my sexy voice when I was just mumbling one time, etc. I mean, I am as oblivious as they come, but even I pick up on some things. So what is the downside? I have zero interest in her. If it was possible to have less than zero interest, I would have that. It isn't the race thing, because I find all types of women attractive. It isn't the three kids, because I would have liked to had kids. It isn't being broke, because I am not going to avoid a person just because they don't have money. It isn't the factors. It is strictly because I have absolutely no attraction to her whatsoever, so much so that no amount of other positive qualities are going to overcome that. I think the fact that I related to her as being an annoying little sister type is clue enough. And I have done everything I can to indicate my lack of interest, short of being mean and coming out and saying it, because she has not made any kind of overt move on me yet, thankfully. I have been exuding the "fuck off" vibe as much as I possibly can, and I am still not sure she has taken the hint. But I am definitely not leading her on either. I have been nice, because I am a nice guy, but certainly not in any way that would indicate anything else. I just hope I am either completely misreading the situation or she takes a hint. But that was also a kind of last straw for me. It almost felt like the universe was saying, "Well, you can't have what you want, but if you really want to date or get laid, here is what you can have." I think that was the point where I finally felt like, "Fine. Then screw it. I will be by myself." Sorry if all that seems pretty harsh, but I'm sorry, there has to be some sort of attraction for anything to happen, and there is just none. And like I said, this isn't one of those cases where maybe she grows on me and I change my mind. There is just no interest at all.

Anyhow, I am sure I have made myself seem like enough of an asshole for one entry, so off I go for another two-shift day of work. Fun times. Good bye for now.